Walls

We all hit them. Some harder than others.

I must have been wearing a crash helmet when I hit mine today around lunch because I managed to not even cry. It helped that as I was feeling pathetically low heading back to the office on some hour 12 or so I have missed from work this week, I drove past a homeless man. He could have been 35 or 55. He was average height, slightly chubby, wearing clothes way too big for him, heading down the sidewalk using crutches to help steady himself.

Yes, God, I DO live a fortunate life.

The tests, bar one, have come back very good. Apparently my glucose levels were way up on Friday, so I went back in this AM for another blood test, but this would not have caused the swelling in my heart. I have another ECHO tomorrow at 2 PM (there goes another 3 hours off work). Hopefully it will show things are getting better.

But I am still exhausted now, and while I know I cannot be the be all and end all, I have a major meeting tomorrow and have done nothing, and I say I don't care, but I do. Kim has been AWESOME this week and last, so her tempraments that were exhibited right after the new year were truly short lived. I guess we just need to be able to look at each other face to face at least once very 72 hours and all is good.

I have had great nights out the past two nights at the same restaurant, eating the same thing with two different sets of girl friends. We have talked and laughed and it has been great.

Match Matt is pretty good too, and he even suggested we finally meet. But he is one to over analyze things and make them much more difficult than the need to be. However, he has been traveling ALL week. I would guess when he gets home tonight he will have driven over 1000 miles since Tuesday AM, so probably I should cut him some slack. We will see. I would love to sit in a little pub with him and chat and laugh over a beer. I think he would be good at that. I have heard the tender concern in his voice when I finally admitted I had seen a cardiologist on Tuesday. And he sounds like a very dedicated father. We will see.

My sister is at my parents. She can be the responsible one there this weekend, but I did email her instructions, what foods to push and all of the toiletries I have there for use. I need to let go.

The other odd thing was that this afternoon when I was thinking that I was too exhausted to talk to Matt tonight, but still longer to curl up and cry on his shoulder, I remembered what an old boyfriend used to call this mood: "Go away and hold me." When I was in this state, we would chat on the phone, I would suggest that he go find something to do with the guys, that I just wanted to curl on the couch and be alone. And within minutes, he would be at the door. And that is what I REALLY wanted, even if I did not know it.

The weird thing about it: He is married with a child or two and now also on the board of a client that is mostly Kim's realm. And as I was thinking about wanting Matt to go away and hold me, the phone rang and it was old boyfriend. He maybe calls our office 3-4 times a year. We chatted, I told him how I was feeling and he made me laugh.

I made it over the wall, at least for awhile. I solved a database problem, got some work done for a meeting next week, discovered that one client IS turning their finances around, and left the office on a positive note. Had a good dinner with a good friend, and my mommy friend Theresa just stopped by for a minute.

My life IS good, even if my heart may not be right now. I have people who are holding me up emtionally, and to you, I thank you and give you my heart - swelling and all.

Now I am going to curl up with my little man at the foot of that wall, and hopefully finally get a good nights sleep. For tomorrow, the barbarians are coming for my meeting, and I need to be rested if not prepared....