She speaks too soon...

...I commented in the last post that 2009 has been full of highs and lows, but none too low - until now.

Christmas it self was wonderful. I will post pics later, because there are a few cute ones. Santa brought me a beautiful tennis bracelet, the family a wii, and Jackson more than he could ever realize.

The 26th our Party of 5 headed to Indy to meet up with my parents, all of my siblings, including my brother and his wife in from Korea, and my extended family. Another great day.

Then the evening of the 26th my parents pulled the 4 of us (Chris was in the room too) together to tell us that mom has a mass in her esophagus near the entrance to her stomach. I had know she had been having trouble swallowing for a few weeks now and that things could not be good.

Yesterday they did another endoscopy with a sonogram, and while the biopsy is not yet back to say what kind of cancer she has, they did indicate to my father that it definitely does look like cancer, and it is quiet advanced, penetrating the wall of the esophagus.

The first guess course of treatment is chemo and radiation combo, followed (hopefully) by some massive surgery.

So please pray for my mother. That she can be strong, and keep up her strength, and endure the hell she is most likely facing. And for my father who has cried every time you give him a hug or tell him you love him. And for me, who is balancing the glee full happiness of knowing that I have found "the one" with not knowing if my mother will live to see me walk down aisle.

It is going to be a long 2010. Please pray that NEXT YEAR has a happy ending.

Every story (and year) should have a happy ending..

My story of 2009 has been full of ups and downs. Fortunately the downs weren't that bad, but there were plenty of them.

Since my last post, things have definitely been on an upswing. Lots of activities for Jackson and I, and a new wonderful man has entered my life. I met Chris in early November, and we have been on warp speed getting to know each other and falling in love. Yep. I said it. And it is good.

I realize I am smiling so much more. He is kind, and gentle, and sweet, and strong. He has a strong work ethic, is very handy (works in construction and was a police office and volunteer fire fighter for awhile) and extremely loving. His two boys are 8 and 12. Jackson adores all three of them. I am very comfortable, relaxed and happy when we are together. We compliment each other well and are already finishing each others sentences or reading minds.

We have met children, met parents, and met the other parent of our children in a short 6 weeks.

On my health front, I am doing pretty well there. My pain continues to be much better, to the point my physical therapist thinks she is turning me loose after my next appointment. Still some stubborn internal scar tissue, but everything else is so much better.

I did manage to crash my car (twice, but whose counting), have had a sinus infection that won't go away, and had a sleep study this past week because Chris thinks I have sleep apnea. Work continues to be busy.

We are getting ready for Christmas, seeing family, and hopefully having a good, quiet start to the new year.

Will try to post pics from Jackson's school program and Santa visit in a bit!

In catching up with my blog reading last night, I realized that I have not been blogging because it was my way to communicate with adults, express my feelings, and vent. I have someone who helps me do that now, but I don't want to stop blogging. So in the new year, I hope to be more diligent. I do miss you all!

Halloween Disney

Singing Grease Lighting
Danny Z. and his wheels

Danny and the Pink Ladies get set to hit Mickey's No So Scary Halloween Party.

The one and only Danny Z.

Jackson and Minnie. She was a bit agressive.

Jackson and Chef Mickey at brunch.

Peter Pan in Downtown Disney (this was also his Halloween Night costume - plus a turtleneck).

Peter Pan and the Lost Girls - we'll never grown up!

Someone sprinkled him with Pixie Dust!

Jackson was first greeted at Disney by his favorite character - Pluto.

Man Up. You're 4

Tuesday night = Mommy doing 5 loads of post-Disney laundry at our house. Jackson was playing legos in our 100 year old basement.

I got summoned once to get a lego Knight out of the castle because there “might” be a cob web inside. Fine. Knight rescued (can’t the knight just get through the cobweb on his own because he is a knight – duh?!)

In the middle of load number 3 or 4, and some REALLY good, albeit rerun, TV, I got called to kill a little spider. Yes, we have spiders. We live in a 100 year old house, spiders are good in the basement.

After many trips up and down the stairs with clothes baskets (and a really good part of NCIS LA), I offered this challenge to Jackson : Take mommy’s flip-flop and go kill the spider yourself, OR play up here. Mommy was DONE in the basement. Besides, he’s 4 now. Mommy can’t kill your spiders forever. Time to man up.

After much consternation, he decided to stay upstairs and play with guys instead.

Maybe when he is 4 ½.

p.s. Yes, I guess I have been anti-social. And yes, I will post lots of pics from our Disney trip!

So Far, So Good

The procedure went well last Friday. Actually it was my best experience with ansthesia, and Theresa and I picked up Giordano's pizza on the way home. (Two days later, I finally finished mine - delicious!!!) I am in very little pain, and don't even feel too groggy.


Being a pro at outpatient surgery (this marks surgery #8), I found myself distracting the stress acting as if I was a patient evaluator. It actually helped keep me level headed. Anyone wanting ambulatory surgery evaluation critieria from a patient perspective, please let me know! I have a long list I look for.

One week later, I am still amazed at how little pain I am in. I continue to keep my fingers crossed. Not much upset stomach, very little pain. I am still dragging, but (1) worked 10 hours each day the last two days; and (2) have a pretty darn good head cold, so who knows if it is the anesthesia, being under the weather, or the rainy weather we have.

So back on to normal activities this weekend! Thanks to all who expressed concern, well wishes, etc.

13 days to Disney!!

Good Karma

The old saying is that God won't give you more than you can handle.

I think He sensed that my household needed a little pick me up. Perhaps He intercepted the woe-is-me texts between my friend I the other nite, picked up on my more frequent self-pity parties I have been having. But regardless of the reason, we hit some big, good Karma this weekend.

This weekend was our Blessed Sacrament School auction - the largest funder activity of the year. I sat with the preschool/Melody babysitter/soccer/t-ball family table. We had a blast.

They spent money, and WE won. Mahoney's won the wheelbarrow overflowing with quality alcohol raffle, Eicholtz's won the play house raffle AND I won the 32" HDTV + wii raffle!!!!

The night was soooo much fun and we headed to a neighborhood restaurant for after auction drinks to celebrate their purchase and our winnings.

Sunday I hooked the TV up and put away the wii for Santa to bring to us for Christmas.

As if that wasn't enough, we learned this AM that Jackson won a bug remote control toy thingy in the Preschooler raffle!!!

This good karma winning high I hope will swing me through this week as I try to cram about 3 weeks of work into 4 days and prepare for my little (hopefully) surgery on Friday.

And as I rest and recover on my couch through the weekend, I can watch college football in with my eyes closed in hi-def!

Plan G

Well, I went in this AM for the "local" hormone insertion. [I won't get into the nurse calling me an HOUR before my appointment (reminder: I live 3.5 hours from my docs office) to let me know they had not quite figured out the deal with the pharmacy.]

All was fine and dandy until they could not get it in. Yep. He said they encountered some kind of "blockage". He tried, oh yes, he tried, but to no avail.

Guess what that means? Surgery. In 10 days. General Anesthesia and all. Clear "blockage" - what he hopes/thinks/speculates is scar tissue left over from the c-section - and insert the hormone IUD. Fun.

For those keeping score at home, this is my hell quarter. I don't have TIME to have surgery!!

Oh, well.

It better work. I'm just sayin'.

FDNY Stay Back 500 Feet

Jackson wore that shirt to school today, for "Patriotic Day" in BSS Preschool 4's. It was a hand-me-down shirt from his cousin Zack, literally handed to him about 18 months ago when we were visiting their update NY home. He wore it a few times, but it was huge on him. But today I pulled it out of the drawer for him to wear.

I was thinking about that day 8 years ago with all of the radio coverage, and thinking how fortunate that I am that I knew no one who was killed in that tragedy. I know people who knew people, but I don't even know those names.

I am not sure if it is the same sunny type of day, the news coverage and feeling over tired, the FaceBook posts, or trying to explain to my 4 year old about the firefighters going in to help people trying to get into the burning building, but the emotions and visuals of that day and that days that followed are with me today, more than in the past years.

• The beauty of the weather that day, bright sunshine, crisp air.
• Friend coming by to watch the coverage, not knowing what else to do.
• Driving to Champaign to pick up vehicles placed at the airport there in anticipation of our candidates arrival that was to be part of the flyaround that day.
• Pulling into the barracaded little airport in Champaign, having to get clearance past National Guardsmen to pick up said vehicles.
• Liaisoning on behalf of the Lt. Governor's office with the ARC, working out of the LTG's inlaws guest bedroom and front porch - shared by our press secretary - since we could not get into our government offices.
• The LTG's mother in law cooking all day. She had a housefull of staff, troupers and family, and that is what you do in a time of crisis - cook. I think I can still smell Betty Wood spaghetti.
• Pulling up to the SwissHotel, and seeing no one except SWAT Teams and National Guardsmen in full gear. Not even a vallet came out to get my car.
• Going to work in the State Building the next morning. Conference calls, trying to get medical supply planes off the ground, state agency line up of what was available to move if necessary, conversations with blood banks, etc.
• A little after 5 PM, getting a message over the building loud speaker that the building was on lock down - no one was allowed to leave until further notice and to please remain on your floor. There were maybe 20 of us in the building; about 5 in my office. We sat there. What the F#@$#? I called our troupers. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?? They made some calls. A suspected bomb was found in the basement. We were sitting on the 15th floor of a glass building that was the center of Illinois Government in Chicago.
• The next night my boyfriend who worked from home came downtown to stay with me, bringing flowers, wine and some snacks. I did not want to leave our room. I was exhausted.
• The rest of the week was a blur, except to know that Chris and all of the travelers would be at the Swiss when I finally made it "home."
• Saturday morning, I drove home for a RedCross check presentation in the Lowes parking lot. I remember finally noticing sunshine. I also saw flags EVERYWHERE. Signs on cars and overpasses.
• Repacking a bag, I headed back north. A conference call with the Vice President (okay, that would have been cool under any different circumstance); planning the state's memorial service, simulcast between the state capital rotunda and the JRTC auditorium, where we would be live.
• All state top elected officials except the Governor were there. I had a shouting match with the Attorney General's head trouper in front of all of them that we would NOT be going through the back tunnels, that we would be marching down the stairs in the auditorium. THEY could secure the room best they could, but the people of Illinois needed to see that we were not hiding.

Sometime that week, metal detectors went up outside all of the elevators. Guards were posted on our floor, the AG's floor and the Governor's floor.

By the end of week two, I was spent. Me, who really had not done much at all. I felt guilty for feeling exhausted. I had not lost any loved one. I was not in a tower, or in a field, or in the pentagon, or searching for a loved one, or comforting my children. I felt guilty that my efforts were fairly trivial. We did get the supplies off the ground. My friend got heavy construction equipment across Indiana from a bus in Ohio.

I walked into the LTG's office, she looked up and said, "Yes?" "Can I go home now?" I am lucky that I could. I am luckly that I still can.

I am not really sure how to end this post, so I guess I will just say that yes, I remember. And God bless those families who lost loved ones, who played a roll, no mattter how large or how small to help or comfort a neighbor in need.

We Are....ND

Jackson and I were blessed to be given tickets to the ND - Nevada game this past weekend. Wandering my campus with my son caused me to reflect on what it means to truly be ND.

Scattered far and wide, we are still family.

• Jackson and I spent a few hours with the husband and daughter of one of my roommates from senior year. I had not seen Dennis I think since KTPs wedding, when Madelyn was a baby, or not yet born.


• But still, he with his daughter and me with my son, picnicked on South Quad, watched the kids throw the football, took turns with the kids while running to grab sun screen, and running to let them see the players march from the church to the stadium. We watched the band perform on the steps of the Archi building, and finally felt the game day chill/thrill when they struck up the greatest victory march.

Whether blood lineage or a brother met that day, we are family.

• Heading into the alumni building (a secret amongst our family that the best bathrooms are in there), we encountered a gentleman with two fingers up. He was looking for 2 tickets - for himself and his daughter. The tickets were given to me, so I gave them to him.
  
• Mike, ND'82, his wife ND'84 and two young daughters traveled to South Bend from Tennessee. Mike and Caroline joined Jackson and I for a great game. At the end, the four of us stood there, arms around each other, swaying to the Alma Mater. Me, Jackson, Caroline and Mike.

Young or old, we are sisters and brothers. A shared Spirit and Football unite us.

• Walking through White Field, Jackson toured various tailgates. He tossed bean bags and footballs, and was eventually given a football by a tailgater with a daughter about Jackson's age. It has traveled with him since that moment.
  
• Getting off the bus in front of the library, Jackson dropped his football under the bus tire. A man and his son, who had helped us off the bus, waited until everyone had gotten off, and asked the driver to wait. The son retrieved the ball and we waived the driver on.
  
• Walking through the quad, a man played toss with Jackson, from about the stadium to the bookstore while he chatted with his buddy.

As family we share meals.

• At breakfast at the hotel, Jackson joined a table with an ND Law'08 grad and his girlfriend. We shared stories, waffles, and my old tales of yore, including the background of "The Shirt" - now known as the Spirit Shirt.
  
  

Under the Golden Dome, whether in South Bend or across the world, we are One Family, with Notre Dame, Our Mother.

• Returning to South Bend, despite roads no longer being there, many new buildings blooming across the now vast campus, it was coming home. Coming home just as much as pulling into my parents' driveway later that night was coming home. Sleeping soundly with my little man next to me, a warm comfortable feeling that can only be home.
• And I loved seeing the spark, that spirit come alive in my little boy's eyes, as he first experienced tailgating, the kindness of "strangers", friendships started long before he came long, the enthusiasm of the crowd, the draw of the Glee Club, the beat of the band.
  

And listening to his cheer.

"Mommy, You say 'We Are.' I'll be ND"

I hope so, Buddy.

Wrigley - Guest Post by Jackson

Sunday before my first day of school, Mommy and I went back to Chicago to see the Cubbies play at Wrigley. It was a long drive, but we got free popcorn at the free popcorn gas station.

There were lots of traffic jams on the cool road that goes by the lake. There were bikers and runners and Mommy said it was a triathlon. Anyway, I had to go potty really bad right by Buckingham Fountain with cars all around us and we were stuck. Mommy unbuckled me and I got really nervous. She had me go potty in her cup from the popcorn place, but some of it sprayed around - JUST like the fountain! Fortunately mommy had some wipes, and I wasn't wearing my Cubbies shirt yet, so it all worked out.

We drove and parked at mommy's friend's condo, and we went potty there too, just in case.

On our way walking to the stadium, we saw this bicycle taxi and he gave us a ride. It was bumpy, but it was SOOOO fun!

We got there after the first inning. There were lots of people there.

We bundled up cuz it was cold and the wind was blowing in our faces.

Wrigley is a very cool ballpark. The Mets scored lots of runs. The Cubbies didn't.

The people who sat by us drank lots of beer and were leaving all of the time. They were nice, and I liked going to their seats. People came around yelling about beer. I tried to get one, but they did not talk to me. Mommy did not get one either. We did eat hot dogs!

The seats had numbers on them. I liked going to look at the numbers, and being in seat #7, same as my soccer number.

Here I am trying to hide so mommy could not take a picture of me.

After the game was over, our same bicycle friend took us back to the street were we parked.

I don't remember seeing this. Mommy said we were in a traffic jam on the way home, but I don't think so. She said I fell asleep.

We may go back for the last game of the year. Maybe. I hope the bicycle man is there again.

Prayers for Grant

Grants dad, Jim, is the second from the left; Grant's mom, Shannon is the second from the right in the back row.

My best friends' nephew was born today - Grant Jospeh Stumm, the second son of Jim and Shannon Stumm of the Chicagoland area.

Grant was diagnosed in utero with AVM, and his near term birth, along with improving diagnosis as the pregnancy progressed are all great news.

I don't know all of the details, but from what I understand, his prognonsis is very good, but I believe he will need very serious surgery. Dad reported that "other than the AVM issue" he otherwise is a perfectly healthly little boy.

Perhaps Aunt Jen can fill in details (I am getting occasional feeds from Grandpa Dave) as they come, but I am sure that the entire Stumm clan would appreciate any prayers for their newest child/brother/cousin/grandson/nephew (#14, I think?).

BREAKING NEWS - Message from Grant's Daddy

Subject: Great News!
In a stunning turn of events, the doctors say that Grant will get to come home with us! Assuming all goes well from now until discharge, the neurosurgeon told us this afternoon that he consulted with Cardiology & Dermatology and everyone is in agreement that Grant can be treated on an outpatient basis (after he goes home). They'll continue to monitor his heart and treat what is now called a Hemangioma (not an AVM as originally thought) here, while stays in the NICU. The hemangioma is large and visible on the back of his head and neck. They're thinking maybe we'll get to go home on Friday, depending on how he is and how Shannon feels.

It truly hasn't 'settled in yet' but we are super happy and sure glad we brought the car seat! Feel free to give us a call, we won't be annoyed!

Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, calls, emails, texts during all of this. Even the head of neonatology said we were quite lucky with this!

Jim Stumm

A Day in Our Life

• 8:30 Preschool Open House
  

Jackson with Hannah, Hannah's mom (Jax future Mother-in-law), and Trace

Jackson, Lennon and Trace

Jackson and Jeffrey ( infront of the school supply stacking table)

Jackson and Jeffrey being measured by Jeffrey's dad. He spent the rest of the day with them.

Jackson, Trace and Big Joe play with the cars and garage.

• 6:00 Soccer Stars Soccer Game
  

Jackson and teammates prepared for a goal kick.
(The red head is Caroline, Hannah's sister and Jackson's future Sister-in-law.)



Caroline gets the ball; Jackson and others in pursuit.

Jackson's blue sleeve can be seen NOT trying to grab the arm of the player in the lead of the scrum, and Coach Bright tries to keep the peace.



The End

Potpourri of Updates

• Preschool open house for the kids is tomorrow morning.
• Jackson's first t-ball game was Monday night, so he is officially a 2 sport athlete.
• I stopped the last drug Friday, and the pain has hit, but in trying to find the silver lining, I think I have decided that being in pain is better than chronic vomitting - you get to eat comfort food, and alcohol in moderation helps.
• I go some time in the next week for an hormone IUD to help keep the pain at bay and the mean hormones from circulating through my blood stream.
• Jackson and I have Cubs tickets on Sunday for Chicago, then first day of school on Monday.
• My cousin came to visit this past weekend. It was awesome to hang with her. AND I felt pretty good.
• Just paid for the rest of the hotel room for Disney Vacation - we are SOOOO excited!

Here are some fun pics from tee ball:

Where is the Pause Button?

My little "baby" now:

• Wears boxers, not briefs
• Sleeps with no shirt on
• Plays both soccer and tee-ball
• Says things like, "Awesome" "Check this out" "Wasn't that TOTALLY COOL?!"
• Tries to bribe me with "50,000 kisses?"
• Can spell toy and boy cuz they rhyme
• Starts preschool 4's next week
• Has absolutely no baby fat to be found
• Has hairy legs (and a bit on his back)
• Takes up the whole width of MY bed when he lays across it

BUT, he still calls me mama or mommy and snuggles on my lap every once in a great while.

A Silver Lining

I have not posted much lately. Partly because of time:

• We had our second largest convention at the end of July
• I hosted my parents' 40th wedding anniversary two weeks before that
• Tee Ball AND soccer have now started.
• I got a promotion at work - I am now our Vice President and head off all operations at work
• One of my first duties was "letting go" a young man who had been my right hand, who had become "septic" to our organization.

But mostly, because I have become very sick with the this new hormone. And after week 10, I have given up on it.

Over the last month, I have vomited my meals at least 1/3 of the days.

And I was forced to face reality when my physical therapist noted that all progress we had made on my frontal muscle groups had regressed and gotten worse. When she stated that I was way over rationalizing that my current state of digestive distress was not that bad. When she insisted that I (1) take a vacation; (2) get in to see my doc; and (3) that she did not want to see me until 1 & 2 were taken care of.

Okay, okay, okay.

Jackson and I have planned a vacation to Disney, inviting ourselves along to my two aunts' and two cousins' trip to the Not So Scary Micky Halloween party in late October. We are not going to over due it, and plan lots of poolside time, weather permitting. That has given me a light at the end of my next two month hell quarter (3rd quarter is ALMOST as bad as the 1st in my world).

I go see Dr. Brown tomorrow. I am not sure what he is going to say. I will get the results of the second scan, so hopefully he will have an answer about the swelling in my right fallopian tube. Hopefully he will have a different drug or strategy to try.

Despite my complete meltdown to my sister on Friday night, I am trying to see a silver lining:

My pants are much looser! And yes, I know that is NOT the approach to losing weight.

BUT the things I have been able to eat seem quite in line with LisaK's healthy eating - low fat meats, veggies, fresh fruit, natural starches. No fatty foods. No greasy foods. No hot, or sticky, sweet foods.

As a result, I am eating healthier. I am cooking at home more. I am saving money. Jackson is eating healthier. I am seeing glimpses of my former in shape body.

I still have a good 20 lbs or more to go before my pre-pregnancy weight, but I DO feel inspired. If I don't have the energy to work it off, I can at least for the time being, clean up what I am putting in my body.

If Lisa can endure cancer surgeries and treatment and radiation, and two years later finish a triathalon, surely I can take some inspiration from her and commit that when my body is up for new exercise, I will do it. And in the meantime, I can break some of those bad habits, comforting myself with crap food, and embrace the healthy.

Laying here on the couch with no energy to move much, I watched the women's final tennis match from Cincinnati. I WANT to wear my tennis clothes again. I want my arms to look like that again. I long for opponents to look at me like a daunting challenge, at least for the first few games until my complete lack of skill shines through. I want my son to have the image of mommy as an athlete, not just daddy. I want to play tennis with him. I want to chase the balls he is cranking off the tee and be able to chase them well.

Anyway, I will try. Feel free to encourage! And in the meantime, I think I smell the pork roast with potatoes and carrots ready in the kitchen....

Year 2 - Almost a Pro

Tonight was Fee Night at our school. Last year I remember being nervous, disappointed, let down.

Tonight I felt slighly more inconvenienced, BUT also much more like I belonged.

Tonight:

• I recognized several parents from church and we chatted in the line that streamed out into the parking long, and talked with the host of the Ladies' Night Out pre-party.
• Father Hoefler recognizes me as "the little guy's mom" and knows that somehow I am friends with our new deacon.
• Our soccer coach's wife (really the coach for most last season) was doing the monthly teacher appreciation lunch, and we quickly worked to fix Jackson's soccer registration that the Y set up.
• I chatted with the new full day preschool teacher, who is the wife of a former colleague.
• I did NOT get sucked into dropping an obscene about of money on school Script (gift card program) like I did last year, BUT did pick up forms for both sets of grandparents and Aunt Lori (they have freer cash and will spend $ at the grocery, etc.).
• Skipped all of the other tables, each of which require separate checks (uniforms, mandatory school ordered supplies, hot lunch tickets, etc.) and was happy about it.
• Did not linger to see what I could get involved in.

This year I have my established group. I am starting to fit in much more. I think it is going to be a good year, or 9.

Calling Time Out

(home)

Today, Jackson and I essentially called a time out to the rest of the world, housework, my not feeling well, travel and everything else.

We got up to our completely trashed house - my room in laundry transition, kitchen in dishes transition, dining room with the fruits of my pampered chef e-commerce extravaganza last weekend, and the living room with Jackson's toys.

We ate our breakfast and I asked him what he want to do today. Ride his scouter, practice for t-ball and play.

OK.

I drank my coffee and talked to my sister on the porch while he cruised up and down the sidewalk across the street (because for some reason it is better for scoutering than our side??!!).

We then got out the tee, ball, mitts and his official t-ball aluminum bat. He cranked balls across the street over and over and over again. The kid can hit. It was fun.

We laughed and played, and I explained about hands together, bat back, elbow up and enjoyed the nice breeze before the day got too hot. First base was a large oak leaf that had fallen a bit early. Somehow it never blew away.

It felt good to play with my son. And not say, hold not a sec while I....; I'll be there in just a minute...; No, mommy's tummy hurts.

Then I did cut the grass. Instead of playing on the swing set at planned, he played inside in the air conditioning, but came out to watch the last few passes in back, and helped me push the mower back to the garage.

Today was a spirit of fun and cooperation.

We then made our t-ball supply shopping list, packed our picnic lunch and swim bag and headed out.

We did our errands, played for a few minutes in the play area at the mall. Had a cookie from the Cookie Factory BEFORE lunch, and headed to the pool. We had a fun hour to ourselves before friends showed up, and for the most part the rest of the day went well.

But this morning while cutting the lawn it occurred to me that this all felt SO strange and unusual. And then I thought about it.

I tracked our weekends back to May, and there was not a single weekend we were home together with no out of town company for as long as I can remember.

Don't get me wrong. I have loved our little outings. I LOVE when out of towners come to visit. AND I need my mommy free weekends. BUT this weekend, today in particular, has been so nice.

I don't feel rushed to get the house cleaned, laundry done, lawn cut.

I have dedicated the day, except for my little computer time as he plays with batman in a fisher price school bus, on hot wheels track going over a hulk hands hill and amusing himself with HIS toys in HIS house.

I think I need to be more conscious of more errands at lunch and more time out for us in the evenings and weekends.

Oh, and I did just book our BIG time out together - 5 days and 4 nights on the Disney property with 2 of my aunts and 2 of my cousins.

"I am so excited for Disney," says Jax. "I can't wait to swim!"

SnoBiz

On a perfect Friday evening, a small group gathered at SnoBiz - the little ice deli near our house.

A father and his daughter.

A mom with her toddler and preschool aged son.

Another mom with her son.

The three older children became fast friends, discovered they were all 4, and sat in a little row, dripping syrup and shaved ice all over themselves.

Their chatter was highly entertaining: that they all were four, that there were four kids and three grow-ups, who had what flavor; that they were all four, that a McDonald's Happy Meal box was indeed NOT a hat but part of the first boy's head; princesses, where they lived, full names, that they were all four.

They shuffled their feet in the rocks and ate their shaved ice, chatting away.

Then the dad got a call from their mom.

One mom issued a 1 minute warning.

Dad got off the phone.

Both parents announced it was time to go.

Then the other mom chimed in with a time to go.

The little girl protested and began to throw a little fit.

The first boy sat in his place obstinately.

Dad pleaded.

Mom threatened.

The second little boy threw his cup and spoon into the garbage can and walked to the car. He and his mom were the first to pull out.

"I am so proud of you, Bugs," I said. "Thank you for having such good listening."

Special People

I posted about weirdness surrounding some FB reconnections, but tonight it seems I felt the glow again of finding old friends.

My high school girlfriends have greatly stepped up reconnections because of FB, and some of us are getting together for lunch on Sunday.

And now one of our Executive Protection Troupers with whom I worked while with the Lt. Governor tracked me down. We chatted for the first time in about 9 years tonight on my way us to a conference in Oak Brook.

He and the other guys were like my big brothers. We had beers after events, late breakfasts after early morning events. Traveled around the state and even the country. I followed them up and down I55 at obscene speeds, with them flashing their lights at marked cars and radio's "and I've got the one behind me" as we zoomed by. Helping me when lost in the wrong neighborhoods in Chicago, and calling Indiana troupers, requesting that I not be left alone, when broken down on a cold winter day. Beers and dogs and Wrigley; pics of kids and the most obnoxious Christmas display I have ever seen.

My big brother troupers even coached me through negotiations when buying my house, and even moved me. Ran background checks on potential dates (usually without me knowing) and paying a visit to a man paying me a bit of unwanted attention. No matter what, no matter when, I knew the guys had my back.

Talking to Kevin tonight got me reflecting on those people who make your life better by being around them.

And he was not the only one I talked with today. Client friends, friends who are clients, the engineers who are part of this conference this week. More big brothers you can count on for anything.

Two who I KNEW would be there and step in when we found out a speaker for Saturday would not make it after all. Who I KNEW would call, no matter how late, after a long day themselves.

Another who friended me on FB, texted me about where to buy shoes for his son while passing through town on the way to a wedding, who "sold" us all of the things for Jackson's room at daddy's house for a mere $100 that were meant to be for his granddaughter's room at their house, who always pics from Wrigley.

These guys, my "big brothers" across the state, Kevin, Dan, Mike and Curtis, were there for me on a very very trying day today. They have left me feel warm and fuzzy instead of a crabby mommy tonight. They make my life better by simply being a part of it.

They are an inspiration to me. I hope I can emulate them.

Good night my friends. My God bless you all.

Victory, if only short lived

Work and life have been interfering with my blogging. Anxiety keeps creeping up, and Scott and I have barely seen each other this month.

HOWEVER, after attending a wedding together yesterday and enjoying a very nice evening, I am declaring today a victory.

• I accomplished a project for work.
• Got all of the laundry washed, folded and put away.
• Cut the grass and picked up the patio.
• Dishwasher was emptied, and there are no dirty dishes in the house outside of the dishwasher.
• Jackson has been bathed, ears cleaned and all nails trimmed.
• I de-cluttered two of my dumping grounds - the kitchen window sills and the top of the wine rack.
• The living room is picked up and nothing extraneous is sitting on the dining room table.
• Jax and I even read out bedtime books out on the porch swing tonight.

The bills aren't paid, and I never showered today, but who is counting?

I know I can start this next hell week at least feeling on top of the home life, and sometimes that makes all of the difference in the world.

If Caught on Hidden Camera

If only we had a hidden camera set up between the living and dining rooms, you could have witnessed:

1. Jackson playing one on one soccer with his Spidy ball against himself. He was both The Soccer Stars and the Purple Team.
2. The truly amazing way he can move and control his body. He definitely does not have MY kinesthetic sense.
3. According this his play by play of the match, one of his soccer moves was "truly geeeenius!"
4. The fact that uh, um and like have entered his vocabulary this week as language additives.
5. The preschool logic when I suggested that if he did not want to hurt his feet anymore, he could put his shoes on, pick up the toys, or deal with the consequences. His retort, "Who is in charge of my real soccer?" "Coach Bright." His response, "Well then he makes the rules." "Well, if he has a rule about indoor soccer in the living room with no shoes, then go for it. Otherwise, it is still your decision." He picked up the other toys.
6. That in Jackson's world, every other quarter of a soccer match can actually be a sword "battle war."
7. And the fact that my little man is truly a little, funny amazing little man!

Year 4 & Coming Home

The past few weeks have been whirl wind. Our Chicago trip, my friend’s Ordination as Deacon, a promotion at work, follow up appointment back in Chicago, my parents in town and Jackson’s birthday. I wish I could have written a beautiful post about Jackson’s birthday, but did not have it in me. But here is a chronology of his photos and then today's reflections..

1 hour

1st Birthday Dinner - Ned Kelly's


2nd Birthday Breakfast - Melo Cream aka "The Donut Store"

3rd Birthday - Grandma & Grandpa B's (with Zachary)

4th Birthday - Los Agaves (Note: Same shirt as 3rd Birthday - still loves Spidy!)

Jackson and I came home from the hospital four years ago on Thursday, but the Saturday of the 4th of July weekend, and the final weekend of Wimbledon seem more like the anniversary of our coming home to me because the activities tend to follow the day, and not so much the date.

This morning Jackson crawled in bed with me to watch the woman’s final at Wimbledon. The beautiful post by Lisa and the current state of my reproductive health got me remembering our last night 24 hours at the hospital clear as day.

It started off rough.

John had gone back to work that day after being told by his HR folks that he did not get his 2 paid week’s paternity leave because we were not married. I knew this was wrong and illegal, BUT since he was still in his first 6 months in this job, he did not want to fight it.

Despite no problem latching on, Jackson was struggling to nurse. Every nurse on the floor, through multiple shifts, I swore had been in to monitor because surely I was doing something wrong. They all concluded we were doing everything right, he just wasn’t getting enough to eat and became pissed off.

There is no better way to describe it. He would latch on, nurse for about a minute, and then open his mouth widely, shake his head violently side to side and scream at the top of his lungs with a bright red face – so uncharacteristic of the smiley boy I now know.

Friends had been streaming in all afternoon and then were driven away by his screams. One friend started calling him Jack-Jack, which made me not so happy. This proceeded all afternoon and into the evening.

Then the night nurse came in to tell me Jax needed to supplement, he had lost over 10% of his body weight, and if he did not gain some back by mid morning, he would not be coming home with me. I understood, fed him his bottle and cried - feeling so inadequate at not being able to nourish my child.

But the nurse was wonderful. She hung in my room for at least a couple of hours. And when I say she hung, she did, like a girl friend. It was at least 11 PM, and the unit was full – I know because they had tried to kick me out of my room the night prior. We talked, fed Jax. She held him for awhile. We dressed him for his first pics together. She calmed me down and helped me feel like a good mom, but also like me again. I tell people that I wish I had gotten her number, because she is the kind of woman I would have liked to go get a beer with on a nice summer evening.

Jackson became Jackson after that. He was just hungry. We settled in for the night, and in the morning hung out, enjoying “Breakfast at Wimbledon”. The match between a Williams sister and Maria Sharipova was a classic 3 setter. Jackson thrived, mellowed, and gained enough to go home. But daddy called after the second set – they split. Did I want him to come now? Take your time. Watch the next set from home. We are cool. Chilling out with Breakfast at Wimbledon, just my little guy and me.

Our first Breakfast at Wimbledon

This morning, Jackson crawled into my bed with his bowl of cereal and cup of juice. I was laying there in pain from my endometriosis and being unable to keep food down for the past few days. The perfect storm of the Chicago docs trying to pharmacologically shut down my troubled reproductive system. Chemical hormones fighting my body’s screwed up natural ones. But we were cool. My little man and me.

The Williams sisters played a good, high quality match. And after the second set, the phone rang. It was daddy. They did not split, and he was on his way.

Daddy, Jackson, and Mommy - Coming Home for the First Time