Dead battery

....on my lap top. Cord is in my office back in Springfield. I am here in Indy waiting for the little man to finally give out after being awake until almost midnight, and NOT sleeping in at all and barely napping.

My next two posts when I am back to full juice and not on my parents' computer:

• What I am Thankful For - Complete with Pics.
• Just Call me Switzerland

Hope you all had a good Turkey Day!

Our "Special" Things

Often times I chastise Jackson for his poor behaviour after letting him do a "special" thing. Finally the other night after his marathon social lite weekend, he finally asked me what "special" meant.

I explained that it was something extra; something different; something that makes you happy.

We talked about our "special" things.

Mine were spending time with him; his squeeze hugs; hanging out with family; doing a good job.

He told me his "special" things were:

• School days
• Getting to go to karate
• Getting to go to Melody's
• Playing outside
• Shooting hoops

We stopped a said a prayer thanking God for our special things.

Happy "Special Things" Day to you and your families.

Suz & Jax

Proud to be a Government Major

I graduated Magna Cum Laude from the University of Notre Dame with a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Government in 1993. In the past 24 hours of my professional life, I have:

• Done trouble shooting on why the mass email system for one client on our granddaddy data management systems is not working;
• Interpreted for my boss what 12odpi, jpg, jpeg, and 200wh meant on a work order from a technology company and determined that we could easily meet it off the top of my head;
• Ran and analyzed balance sheets and profit loss statements for a client board meeting;
• Converted the text for a client's registration brochure from the graphic design program back to word;
• Interpreted comments on the draft Standard Specifications for Water and Sewer Construction in IL and incorporated the approved ones back into the draft;
• Debated the philosophical issues of whether a licensed STRUCTURAL engineer or a licensed PROFESSIONAL engineer should be the one to design and seal certain plans;
• Developed the Project and Task lists for our new timekeeping software;
• Debated the proper solution to our HVAC issues with the contractor, architect, our owner, and the staff member in whose office one of the thermostat sits.
• Negotiated a contract with a major hotel chain for our big family reunion and now also my brother's US wedding reception (okay - that was personal, but I do that for work, too)
• Oh, and gave one guy who works for me the State of Illinois general information telephone number. That's government!!!

Yep. Bachelor of Arts in Government. Hum. I wonder what all "Arts" that includes? That is what is fun about my job. (Oh, and sometimes annoying.)

It Doesn't Work

The Bounce Back Racer - with its 7 batteries in three different compartments are sealed in with one or even two screws - does not work.

Saturday night late night I spent getting ready for the Santa toys to be delivered to Grandma's house this weekend for safe keeping. After inserting all 7 batteries in their three compartments, it not work. I changed out all of the batteries and it still not work. I played with the positioning, took them in and out, screwed and unscrewed the battery compartments - still nothing. And there is no indication which of the three mystery battery places is not working.

I was crushed.

I took it back to Target and they gave me my money back, no questions asked. They were out, ToysRUs was out, and all online outlets were out. No Bounce Back Racer for me.

Being the obsessive mother I am, I sent an SOS email out to my Indy based family members to keep their eyes open if they find themselves in a toy area.

And then this AM I checked TRS online again. And read the reviews. Turns out I am far from the only one who experienced this issue.

So maybe this is NOT the end of Christmas after all. AND I have saved $37.70.

Mr. Socialite

Some mysterious time in the past two months since school started, we slipped from Jackson being a part of MY life, to our life being all about him - Jackson as a 3.5 year old going on 13 or so.

Here are the highlights from the weekend:

Saturday:

• 9:00 AM - Karate
• 12:00 PM - Birthday party
• 2 PM - Head to daddy's.

Sunday

• 12:15 PM - Friend over to play.
• 3:45 PM - Leaves for movie with different friend.
• 8 :15 PM - Jackson makes it home

Okay. Mom was not so happy about the need to set a curfew, but that will change in the future, but my goodness, my little man has a social life at 3.5!

My Karate Kid

Left my laptop at work over the weekend, but here are some pics in the meantime.....

"Lock it up"

Simulated Defense Move


Silly Boy

And a Post about the Single Part of Single Mom

...You known it is time to leave the Social Networking Club function when you hear....

• I have been married and divorced since the last time we saw each other.
• I love these things! Another reason to drink!
• This wife holds the record - 1 year 4 months!
• That will be $9 for the glass of wine.
• I heard you ate the last crab cake.
• And you see Criminal Minds on the TV behind the bar and wish you were at home in your sweats, in bed.

Now I am. (Sigh)

Finding an Outlet

We are going to try Karate - or at least Jackson is.

Last night we popped into the place where a couple of friends' children go. Jax has been fascinated with the older kids who have martial arts class at our gym, and even more so when his friend Jane Ann started at this facility last month and brought to Ms. Melody's the board she "broke" her first day.

AND, let's face it, the kid needs a sport. He practices the three soccer kick moves a friend taught him - the tap, swirl and pass (who knew?) with a balloon in my living and dining rooms. We play balloon volleyball in the living room. He practices his free throw, jump shot and layup whenever possible. He and daddy even play hockey in his living room.

The only sport/activity - other than swimming lessons - that will take a 3 year old is karate. So we go Saturday morning for a trial, and then if he likes it, he will get fitted for his little white karate outfit (I am sure there is some special name for it?), and we will start the week after Thanksgiving.

The head guy (karate master?) said the key is a little discipline and some focus - and then commented as Jax eyes NEVER left the bigger kids working out on the mat - "He appears to have focus!"

Don't worry. I'll post pics.

My Two Biggest Blessings as a Single Mom

1. Jackson. Enough said.
2. My time without Jackson.

This may seem to some as a huge contradiction, but it is the blessing part that comes with a being a single mom with a helpful dad and family.

Sometimes work reaches in and takes up that time, but sometimes, like this Wednesday when I actually took enough Motrin and finally engaged and finished a big project I have been putting off, it is good for my psyche.

I appreciate #2 more when I have comments like KTPs, struggling with similar issues I blogged about earlier this week. I have that alone time. I CAN escape at times to the "Single" part of the Single Mom, IF in a smaller group or one on one like my U of I game outing.

Each Wednesday night I get to myself. And in theory, every other, or at least half, of the Saturday morning to Sunday noon to myself.

While many moms with dads at home wonder how I can handle the responsibilities on my own, it is this time that lets me get a grip, spend some quality alone time IN MY OWN HOUSE, and hopefully refresh.

It does not always work out that way, and most of my free time I spending shopping for Jackson, cleaning for Jackson, blogging about Jackson, talking about Jackson, but I always welcome his big smile, giggles, and "HUGGIES!!!" when he gets home.

P.S. to Yesterday

Today I have very little pain. A very hormonal emotional day, but I think it is better than the pain.

I have cried because I felt spent, beaten down and frustrated. I have cried when talking to a tough manly man guy friend who is a client president but one of the best friends I have in IL. I cried because of all of the good and loving friends I have when LisaD posted her comment.

So hopefully I will finish crying BEFORE one of my staff really needs something and barges in my door - they have been pretty darn respectful today too, ut-oh, I might cry again. When I did this last time, the result was my month of feeling much better....so here is to wishing!

This isn't your mother's PBS

We grew up watching Sesame Street and Zoom and Mr. Rogers. It was good. Big Bird was my best friend (and a GIRL, I swore) up until at least 2nd grade. Alphabet, counting, playing nice, even some Spanish. And Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers are still out there today.

But at our house we get two PBS stations - I am not exactly sure why.

Channel 8 during the 6-8 AM hours features Thomas, Sesame Street, etc.

Channel 12, however, has Curious George, Sid the Science Kid and Super Why.

And I LOVE THEM.

I was one of those different moms who had a ban on baby characters - Winnie the Pooh, Elmo, Baby Disney - yes, I know, and no offense intended if it is you - it is cute, just not me. I think my attitude has carried over to Jax.

He does not really like to watch Thomas (maybe the only boy on earth), and the only part of S.Street he could tolerate was Elmo, and he is done with that now.

But the Channel 12 shows - that is a different story. (Who does not like Curious George?)

We got to know SuperWhy about a year ago, and it combines all types of learning into a 20 minute or so show - traditional nursery stories with numbers, letters, phonics, spelling the alphabet, problem solving, etc. When Jackson sings the alphabet song now, it is not to the Row, Row Row Your Boat Tune, it is the way the Pig (the smart pig from the 3 little pigs) from SuperWhy sings it.

He is also learning English/reading comprehension skills, even if he does not know it. He can summarize a plot in a single sentence and be right on.

Sid the Science Kid debuted right after Labor Day. It fits the more "hip" preschooler, and introduces science concepts and problem solving as well. Again, Jackson is able to summarize plot with this as well, something that Zoom SS, and Mr. Rogers really did not ever do. And it addresses less traditional families - Sid has bi-racial parents and a very hip, cool grandma. Miss Suzie the teacher appears to be black, and the rest of the kids are a variety of races.

They encounter issues/questions at home, and explore them at school and in their "science lab". Introducing these concepts early has Jax interested in making observations, measuring, and other concepts. One day we did our own little "experiment" about the difference between sugar and salt. He now guesses size, distance and does comparisons.

And I asked him the other morning, "What was Sid the Science Kid about today?"

"Sid wanted to measure a whale, but all he had was a ruler, so they talked about ways to measure it."

And there you have it. And I may have to become a PBS member after this.....

Happy Thoughts

My brain is not working for work right now. See below. But I need distractions, so I will blog about what I was going to blog about tonight.

When I went to the U of I game, Date said that one of the best things about me was that I was always smiling and happy. This was the joke of the century for those at work. But I have been a bit happier lately, and I WANT to be happier.

Date who I need to start calling DM because he is not really DATE anymore - and I talked about this quite a bit at dinner last weekend.

And I have been thinking about what makes me happy, and what it is about the times I have felt so happy lately that MAKES me happy. And what is it about the times I am NOT happy that contributes to that.

I think the all encompassing answer is to finally come to grips with my new world - or not so new world - with my life as a single mom and stop trying to fit myself into a world that does not work for me any more.

I am happy when:

• I am with family
• I am with friends in the neighborhood
• I am with small groups of friends or one on one
• I spend special time with Jax
• I participate in school activities
• I am able to accomplish a big job at work
• I can relax and just be me
• I have comments from my blogger friends (!)

I am not as happy when I am with large group of single people/married with no children/married with grown children who go to concerts, travel, go out late, stay out to the wee hours because typically when I am with them hanging out or having dinner, they often spend their time either (1) planning for the next adventures listed above; or (2) recapping the adventures listed above. And I feel like I am not a part of their world.

I don't fault them for this. I just need to balance it, I think. And I know I can control it too. Acknowledgement to myself I believe is working and heading in the right direction.

I have been much happier the past month. (When 4 of the above were on their cruise thru Hawaii, Thaiti, BoraBora and New Zealand.) And while I still have my personal struggles, and my work struggles, I am starting to find My People and My life, and hopefully with that my happiness.

Today is an 8....

...in terms of pain. I would go home if it did not involve a 2 block walk to the car in my short but heeled boots. I would never make it. I'll be lucky to make it down the hall to the bathroom again.

WHY OH WHY DID I THROW AWAY MY FALLING PART BLACK LOAFERS WHEN I TOOK THEM OFF ON MONDAY?!!

I am about at the point that I want to call the doc and ask for Darvoset, or one of the many narcotics that makes me itch, twitch or vomit, or a surgery date. I am hoping that today will be THE one pain day. If it is one pain day at 8 and that is all, and one day like Monday, I think I can handle it.

Any more than that, I think I am going to have to make that bad decision.

Anyone who wants to have a jammies cuddle on the couch talk/pray/cry day on Saturday while Jax is with JPI is welcome! Even virtually. We will see how things are tomorrow. Maybe I won't need to.

I am hoping Jax is up for a movie and popcorn tonight. And that I can hide my inside feelings from him when we get home (if I make it to the car).

Thanks for letting me whine.

Preschool Progress

We have come a long way since day 1 of heading straight for the motorcycle and ignoring the other kids, telling me later he did not need any new friends - that he had enough already.

Today Jax handed me his coat, and went straight to the end of the table where several kids were already playing with playdo. His buddy Tyler called him over to where HE was sitting, and I had to interrupt them to get a goodbye.

He is doing great and I am so proud of him. He seems to be quite at home with his school, his teachers, and his new friends.

My big litle man

This afternoon I came home sick from work. I was able to piece together pick up and care of Jackson for as long as I needed, even overnight if I so chose.

I fear today's illness was my body preparing for and entering the next hill of hormone changes and the side effects of the new drug, in which I had placed extreme high hopes because up until today, I had felt happy and pain free.

And despite one of his top three most favorite people in the world picking him up, it was unexpected and his behavior when I did make it to Grandma's to get him was atrocious. Like daddy, Jax does not do well with surprises and changes of routine - even if they are not bad ones.

Was it the break in routine or the fear that I was sick? I don't really ever remember being afraid that a parent was ill. Maybe they never were, but I doubt it. Maybe they hid it better. Maybe I just don't remember.

But my little boy also wants to take care of me. In the car he asked, "Mommy, when I told you my joke at Grandma's house, did that make you feel all better?"

"It does make my heart feel better," I told him, because it does.

Thanksgiving - Part 4

I had decided I would tell my family about the baby after my 12 week appointment.

Thanksgiving fell 2 weeks before that. My brother moved into his new house that week, it was one of our slower times at work, and I had not been to OH to my parents' house in quite sometime. We typically met in Indy.

I decided to take the whole week off, and enjoy one last week and one last holiday with my parents as just "me" because I had no idea what would happen when I told my very Catholic parents who had never even met JPI, that I was pregnant, but I knew life was never going to be the same again.

It was nice, but felt a little weird.

I had been waking up early and ate cereal after dad left for work but before mom got up. Then mom would get up and I would eat with her. One of the days we were headed to help my brother with a few last things, but I needed a fax machine because I cannot get TOTALLY away from work, so met my dad at his office. I finished around noon, so we went and grabbed a sandwich for lunch. Got to my brothers as they moved the last thing in - perfect timing - no heavy lifting for me! Mom and I helped him unpack, chatted and she left. Matt was hungry, so we went for a late lunch. That night I got back just in time for dinner. Lots of food for my new appetite! At one point mom mentioned that I was eating more than normal. If she only knew!

My mom is not one for touchy-feely girl bonding. She is not a shopper like most moms. But THIS week, she wanted to shop. We shopped and we shopped. We even shopped in the infant section at a store for what seemed like FOREVER for a friend's new grandchild. Needles to say, I was a bit exhausted and overwhelmed.

A few times I considered telling them. But I was not ready. I think mom suspected something was up, but I am sure she did not have a clue what exactly. We ended the weekend with my friend Derik and his sister from Springfield stopping in for the last night. He was moving back from New Jersey, and it was fun to have them get to hang out with my parents. My parents also always loved having a house full of their kids and our friends.

While things ARE very different now than they were that Thanksgiving, I could never anticipate how much BETTER they are - with my parents with Jax and with the relationship my mom and I now have. Life was not always easy with the rocky road my mom had experienced in her youth. And very few have witnessed the rough days, but I know one of my dear Lisa's has, and I knew she understands and I love her for it. There are still rough days, but many many more good ones.

Jax not only brings me tremendous joy, but also has brought my mom and I CLOSER than we ever were. And for them, I am eternally Thankful.

The Perfect Puzzle Pieces

Today Jax coughed in the shower, and before I had a chance to say, "Are you okay?" he hollered, "Yes."

I don't know if he heard me say it in his head because it is my almost instant question with a deep crackly cough, or if he just anticipated it. Every now and then after a big cough, a crash or other such disturbing noise out of my line of sight, he yells, "I'm okay!" anticipating my question.

As mother and child we fit together like hand in glove - in our daily rhythms and routines, our language, and physically when we snuggle up on the couch, when he is on my lap to get his shoes on, and when we snuggled cheeks while he got his hair cut today.

It is magical and I LOVE IT!

I guess I finally know how I truly feel about yesterday.....

Thanks to Kelli, and Lisa and those who commented on their posts to help me galvanize my feelings.....feelings I would not feel comfortable sharing openly in my Republican leaning workplace.

I used to work for the other party, but I did vote for Obama.

I worked WITH Obama when he was in the IL Senate, and he helped me pass an important bill, extending treatment options for women diagnosed with breast cancer.

He was the voice of reason with the Dem House sponsor who was playing partisan politics with my boss', the Lt. Governor's, bill. Obama called her and intervened on our behalf. They had a chat, and she came around.

While I don't agree with many of his ideologies, I love his methods. He CAN bring people together, help them get over their own egos and start to act at least somewhat reasonably. And I hope and pray he can restore civility in Washington and end the gridlock that has made me so cynical about the political/policy world I once was so passionate about.....

The economy, the war, and the other crisis our country now faces were not created over night, and cannot be solved by one man, or in one year, or even in one term. But what I hope he IS able to accomplish is to turn the tide of partisan attitudes around so that some progress can be made...if just with baby steps.

Changes....

• Jackson has grown legs. He had on shorts the other day that used to nearly cover his knees at the beginning of the summer...they now hit him mid thigh.
• I had tried to relieve the guilt of not taking Jax for his 3 year pics, telling myself that he had not really changed that much. Now that we have the school picture, it is amazing how much he has changed.
• One of our favorite past times is flipping through the folders of pic of Jax on my laptop. It is a good calming time killer and cuddly bonding for us. We came across a pic of Jax with his pacifier from almost two years ago. He asked what it was. He does not remember his pacifier. He does not remember that he called it his "boppy" and was trying any way possible to get to Chicago after mommy lost his boppies there while attending a conference in September 07. Wow. It makes me sad knowing that many if not all of his fun memories from now may not stay with him. I need to get the camera out more.....
• He is quite the little reporter, when he wants to be, relating precise details complete with adjectives, adverbs, and now even prepositional phrases from happenings during the day. Tuesday he said, "The coffee pot was sitting just like this [demonstrating with his hands]. I was rolling across the floor, and not seeing where I was going, I tripped, and then hit my head with a thud, and then fell on my bottom with a thud, and then hurt my lip right here." Where did he get this "with a thud" thing??!!

Election Day - A Former Insider's Experience

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I ran political campaigns. I have run three state representative races, have been on the policy staff for two gubernatorial races, and did a tad bit of graphic design for a third. Plus I have volunteered - or butted in - on a few local races where friends were running for office.

I wake up each election day with butterflies. They actually start with the change in fall weather, the first sign of combines in the fields, and continue to increase proportionally with the number of leaves on the ground.

By election day, there is not much more you can do, but there is still lots to do, if that makes sense. Your field organization, your media, your fundraising and all of that coordination comes down to one day.

Actually, in a large but still local race like a state rep race, it is not EXACTLY 1 day. Election day begins the day before and ends usually when the sun comes up the day after.

Read on if you care about my musings.....but I don't blame you if you give up here! I got carried away with my writing.

By election day, your media and mail have turned positive. It is time to run the happy ads, with your candidate and family or neighbor kids or dog, along with all of your endorsements. Your mail pieces look the same. Your "blitz" walk pieces you leave on door nobs throughout the district have the same feel.

You have spent the last 4 weeks identifying your PLUS voters (those who have committed by phone polling or door to door visits they will vote for your guy), and the last three days calling and reminding your pluses to vote.

You have set up your poll watchers in your targeted key precincts, with their lists of your pluses. You have arranged runners and office callers and drivers to get your pluses to the polls.

You have your court house "reporters" lined up to call in the precinct results into your election night headquarters, your phone answers to take down the numbers as they come in, and your massive data program all set up, complete with the total voters per precinct, your goal votes per precinct, a percentage and number calculator to tell you where you are vs. where you wanted to be. You have the person assigned to answer the "bat" phone - the line dedicated to media calls, calls in from the candidate and other VIPs trying to get information out of operation central and the campaign manager (me).

Campaign "day" begins some 24 hours before the polls open starting with one last all out blitz, hanging remember to vote pieces on all of your pluses doors, any left overs go to hard party voters in target precincts. A meeting is held for all pollwatchers and other election day workers. Final media arrangements for your candidate are made for the next day. Signs are arranged for polling places, and the 'foot signs" - 12" vertical signs that say Vote "Candidate" today in neon colors that get placed overnight by the thousands - are completed.

And then in MY races, key staff, the candidate, his family, top volunteers enjoy one last good hot meal out together, typically in a semi-private room to avoid fanfare.

Once dinner wraps up, typically about 10 PM, the group breaks into teams and heads out across the land to begin the mass blanketing of the district in signs. Signs at the polling places, foot signs leading to the polling places and any major thorough fare, and any other sign anywhere else because a sign left in the office tomorrow is a wasted sign. This part is typically a blast - with any tensions, issues, pent up frustrations or anger left with one another for being cooped up, stressed out and sick of spending 18 hours a day with each other melt away. This is your last hurrah (and sometimes involves alcohol - but not for the drivers, of course) for campaign staff.

Sign blanketing lasts for hours. Some head back in for a couple of hours of sleep. Some just go shower and change. Then back to headquarters for the beginning of the big day. The candidate votes and heads out on his media and final stops tour with the media aide or trusty intern. The poll watchers are in place. Runners are ready to check in with the poll watchers after the rushes - 9, 2, and 6.....phone callers are busy dialing those pluses. And I start to freak, and go over the what ifs, and usually end up scarfing down a big breakfast that I feel like I will then throw up (sorry).

As evening approaches, the court house people head out. You try to get a feel for turn out in key precincts, you keep calling your pluses who have not yet made it to the polls. The candidate goes to shower, take a break, and get ready for the party which is NOT at the headquaters or operation base. A toke board is posted at the party, and you have a runner or caller who reports in updates from HQ.

At 7 PM, we man our posts, and the anxiety builds even more. There is now officially NOTHING else you can do. It is a completely helpless feeling. And you wait for the phones to start to ring.

When they don't, you start bugging your court house people who tell you that THEY WILL CALL WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING. And then the phones do start to ring, papers start shuffling, fingers tick on the keyboard. The number cruncher (me) starts to curse or cheer at the raw numbers, and then perhaps cheer or curse when they are put in next to the goals or prior election numbers.

The bat phone starts to ring. "Where are we?" "What do you have?" "How does it look?" "How was turnout?" "We get our people out?"

In 1996, we won by just over 700 votes. 700 out of a district with 100,000 registered voters. The first hour of the bat phone ringing, the screener did an awesome job. "Hi, Rep. Tenhouse" I shake my head no. "We don't have anything yet." "Good evening, Senator Donahue." again, no. "Nothing yet." We weren't just losing, we were getting trounced. Then my bossed from The Party called from Chicago. "No, Jerry, we don't have anything." I heard through the phone, "What the @$# do you mean you don't have anything, let me talk to her!" to me "What the @$# is going on down there???!!!"

The machines "broke down" in our opponents home county. We got the attorneys on the phone. With the largest TV outlet broadcasting from our party, I pulled the candidate back into the office where I could control what was coming out of his mouth.

The mood was tense. I eventually kicked a newspaper reporter out of the office who had somehow managed to make it past my "bouncer." But the front page of the paper the next morning managed to tell a very exact story of what was happening - a color picture of me sitting at the computer, staring at the screen, biting my lower lip, bottle of champagne given to me by friends sitting in a brown bag next to my monitor, with my candidate sitting in a chair behind the desk with me hunched over talking on the bat phone.

We won. By 700 odd votes. We were the incumbent, so we were supposed to have won big. It was an ugly year that year for our party, with our district following that trend.

By the time all was said and done, and I made it over to the party, most were gone. Those left were drunk. Finally about 2 AM, the owner, who had become a good friend, said he had to kick us out. I took a few of the fraternity boy volunteers we had into the back cooler with me, and we picked out a few cases, and my team walked back to the HQ, and drank until the sun came up. I am told I smoked a cigar with the candidate's wife that night. I would not believe it, but there were pictures.

Two years earlier, the party had a much different tone. We were the challenger and were NOT supposed to win. I had decided the week before election day we were NOT going to win, and it made the last days much easier to handle.

But we won by 11 percentage points - a landslide by far. The incumbent called to concede the loss by 9 PM. I still refused to believe it was true. Less than half of the precincts were in. I was 23, and crunching the numbers. When the candidate called to tell me opponent had just called and conceded, and I knew the TV crews were moving from his headquarters to our party, I pulled the candidate in. I kept insisting it was NOT over, and that I could not have him celebrating on TV and then have the numbers turn.

Then about an hour later, or less, some campaign veterans finally said to me, the only one without a beverage in hand, still clicking away at the keyboard, "How many votes are still out? How many are we up?" The first number was smaller than the second. "It is over. We DID win."

The odd thing about that race was the feeling in the office the next day as we cleaned and packed up. An unknowing observer walking in would have thought we were the ones who lost. When we finally pressed on what the issue might be, candidate said, and I remember it quite clearly, "You know, you all will go home later today, and your life will go back to normal. My life completely changes now, and I don't know what to do."

My candidate is up for re-election for his 8th term today. His daughter whom I helped with her 8th grade algebra homework back in '94 is a health care policy advisor on The Hill for my U.S. congressman. His wife is a member of one of the associations our company runs. I spoke with him for quite a while the other day while I was heading to a meeting out of town and watching the combines clear the last few rows of beans.

He is a great statesman, while not a great campaigner. That is likely why he has done a great deal for his district, and has managed to stay above the fray of the disaster that is now Illinois politics.

Our call ended when he needed to leave for a ribbon cutting for a road expansion - a project we first campaigned on 14 years ago.

This morning I dropped to Jackson off and went to vote with no fan fare. Someone from the other party had knocked down all of our signs, so I unceremoniously put them back up, knowing my friend Don had been there sometime in the wee hours last night putting them up.

I knew several people at the polls, cast my ballot and headed out. My across the street neighbor, a park board member, was walking toward me along with young Jenn, our county board member and her 2 year old son. She was being followed by a photographer profiling her day in the life. We stopped to chat a few minutes. She was an intern for me in the Lt. Governor's office, and her husband was with the Senate when I was with the House. Their family of 4 lives around the corner from us.

As I headed back to my car, the photog stopped to get my name. "I know who SHE is, but can I have your name?" I simply gave it to her and left, headed back to work and my entirely different life. So I MAY be in the paper again tomorrow, and the photo will likely again be a true depiction of me on election day. "Jenn Dillman, re-elected county board member, chats with neighbor Suzanne JaxMom who just voted." And that will be it. And it is good.

Thanks for your patience along my journey down memory lane.....

The next few days - Part 3

Unbelievably, I have no recollections of 11-1-04. On Monday, I called my primary care doc. I did not have an OB/GYN because Dr. Mary had taken care of it all to this point. I knew I wanted to see HER OB. He is/was supposed to be "the best", is my boss/friend Kim's OB, my doc had consulted him via phone on a couple of my odd medical false ailments in the past, AND I had had the two of them on my Lt. Governor's 30 minute cable talk show, Today's Healthy Woman - Live from the Illinois State Fair edition, back in the day, so I knew him.

Of course, I was NOT up for calling myself. Plus, I knew that I wanted to see HIM and I doubt he was taking new patients. That is why I have Dr. Mary and her awesome nurse Jane. Actually, I did not call Dr. Mary. I called Jane. But I new Dr. Mary had also gotten pregnant while on the pill, she was not married at the time, and she had been a constant in my life for 12 years. I also knew that I needed someone else take a little care of me in my moment of weakness, and I can count on them. So Jane called and got me an appointment with Dr. Dave for 11-15.

Nothing of significance for a few days or so. JP did have a freak out about 10 days into it all. He "disappeared" from my radar for a few days. When he re-emerged, he apologized and admitted that he needed his freak out time too. I gave him that - he should get a turn too.

The day of my appointment, I did not want him to go. I did not know how I was going to react, and I wanted to do this privately. He said he was good either way.

It turns out I was not prepared for the "I am pregnant" first OB appointment. It is set up for a happy young couple thrilled for their news.

I was escorted into an office, not an exam room. A nurse came in all hyper-perky, gave me a bag or two of endless papers, folders, brochures and then began peppering me with question after question after question. A few normal, when was your last period type things, but mostly things I had not even begun to think about. At which hospital will you want to deliver, what are your thoughts on epidurals, who is your pediatrician? Pediatrician? AM I REALLY PREGNANT??? I wanted to scream.

After feeling like I had absorbed shot after shot after shot of being an incompetent new mom with no answers for these questions except the medical ones, I finally broke down and let the nurse know that I was completely overwhelmed, started to cry, and that what I was really there for was to make sure that I was in fact pregnant, and everything was okay. I would deal with the rest once we had that answer. She let me cry, got the doctor, and we preceded on.

He was AWESOME that day. Before the exam, we just talked for along time. He wanted an update on me, details about dad. The status of our relationship. Was he a threat. Just an all around good big brother caring doctor kind of appointment.

When we were done, he sent me for the sonogram. And that is when I heard it - Jackson's heart beat - and saw the bright little light that would grow and flourish and become the amazing little man that he is now. And I felt that tug at my heart strings, and the reality that I was going to be a mom. Of a baby. My baby. A part of me. My body filled with love and I smiled for the first time, I think, in about 2 weeks.

I left with the printout of my little bright light and the knowledge that whatever the next weeks and months would bring, I was going to make it.
......................

I had told my boss/friend Kim on Friday night before I left work that I had a doc appointment on Monday, and that they had said it could take all morning, which it did. I got to work after lunch and went about my business. I know I had been quiet and no where near and the open book that I normally am. And the fact that I did not go in and plop in a chair in her office and vent/share relief/ponder etc. my experience from the morning set alarms off with her. That and knowing that I had had issues a few weeks before, and having told her husband Eric about me having an appointment, and being a truly sensitive guy (which Kim and I are neither one known for), he had asked her if I was okay, and that got her wondering all weekend.

Anyway, after Eric and Veronica had left for the day - back when our little company was just the 4 of us in about 200 square feet of sublet space - I got up about 3 different times to go into her office and tell her. She was my friend and she was my boss, and my due date was 4 weeks before of largest client's largest event of the year - but I could not enter, and instead went to the copy machine, to the bathroom, to the supply drawer.

On my way back from one of my divergent trips she came out and met me. "Are y ou okay?" "I am pregnant." "Pregnant? What are you going to do?" "Have a baby, I guess."

She laughed and we talked, and normally we would go for Margaritas with a news event this monumental, but given the circumstances we didn't. I was glad she knew and would understand my weirdness AND has always been a good sounding board.....

And that is where life stood for awhile.

So why DON'T Mommy and Daddy Live Together?

I knew the question would come, but because I had assumed I had another year to two, I had not prepared an answer.

I started with the "not all mommies and daddies live together" and named a few. That was no where good enough.

"Well, why aren't you and daddy married?" came next. I named a few people he knows whose mommies and daddies are not married. Not good enough.

I dug deeper and brought out the you know mommy and daddy both love you very much. And you know how Aunt 'Ori and Uncle Steve love each other, and Grandma and Grandpa love each other, we just don't love each other like that.

Jax started to FREAK....You don't love my daddy??!!! Oops. I explained that I will always love daddy because he is his daddy and daddy will always love me because I am his mommy, but it is a different kind of love. Still not buying it.

Analogy time. Bring it down to his level. I finally said, "You know how you love Puppy? And you need to snuggle him when you sleep? And puppy goes with you most of the time when you are going to be gone for awhile? And you know how your McQueen car used to be you favorite, and you still love it, but you don't need to have it all of the time, and you can leave him in the basket most days?

"Well, Aunt 'Ori and Uncle Steve love each other like you love Puppy. And Grandma and Grandpa love each other like you love Puppy. But daddy and I love each other like you love McQueen."

"Oh. Okay."

Daddy did not seem to like the answer. I am sure it was the part of me loving him in any way and he loving me in any way, but I suggested to him that he think about it, and if he came up with another response that would not freak his son out, I would be open to it. (I came up with a few creative but crude possibilities that would have satisfied daddy, but they are not print worthy and I would NEVER share them with Jax!)

Where to Start

Update on Date

Right after I finished the last post, I made a sandwich and left. Bank closes at noon. Had left my paycheck on my desk and daycare check from Daddy in my purse. If the day blew up as it was headed, I at least was going to get to the bank before it closed. I had decided to tell date I was not going, then dedicate the day to my yard, or a good long nap.

Date called to say he was on the way right before I got to the bank. He actually was parked in front of my house. "I'm not home," is all I said. "What do you want me to do?" he answered. Hummmm. I thought of a few select comments, but could not tell him I did not want to go. I DID want to go, even if it wasn't with him.

"I'll be home in 20."

I got home and calmly let him have it. We loaded up and got on the road. He apologized again. I told him that we lived in very different worlds, and mine did not include any kid free hours to waste waiting around, or staying in bed until 10 because I drank too much the night before. That at any given time I could get the Mommy call and have to respond - to a nightmare, to puking, to a 103 fever. AND that I felt guilty that he was the cause of me being short and impatient with Jax as I needlessly rushed him around so I would not be too late.

I relaxed a little, and talked little. As the miles went by, my mood improved. We got to the stadium lot and pulled in with the sea of orange tailgaters tossing their bean bags and footballs, parked under a tree with tri-colored leaves and pulled out the food. I decided to crack open a beer and let the wonderful feeling of college football fanaticism wash over me.

We were good from that point forward. And joked about my message telling him I was going to be late but could not WAIT to climb in the car and no longer be responsible for the rest of the day, and him hearing that message knowing how much he let me down.

The game was very good. The weather was perfect. The crowd enthused, and he eventually recovered from this hangover. Plus, I had had a beer so felt good. Illinois won with a last minute field goal followed by an interception with 20 seconds left in the game. We sat back in the lot and I drank two more beers and he managed to knock back one.

We talked easily for quite a long time. But down deep I know he will not be the one. I was blindly willing, I thought, to try to prove my instincts wrong, but on the way home, in a brave moment after us talking about relationships, meeting people, a recent bad date of his, I finally just asked it, "Is this a date, or just two friends going to a football game?" He paused for a long time and said, "Buds, I think." While I am disappointed that he did not want more, because, you know, every girl wants to be wanted, I know it is right.

He drinks too much. Not too often, but when he does, it does not seem like he can stop. He is not really responsible. He could not be one I could let be in charge a majority of the time. And I need that. Despite his apologizes for this morning, I fear this would not be the last of that.

But he was fun to hang out with. I truly enjoyed watching the game with him. I felt good that I could talk openly with him. I think we struggle with similar things being "older" people in the singles world. He loves sports and kids and nice restaurants and shorts and sweatshirts.

We will be friends. And we agreed we would be good "go out and do things with" friends - watch the game, try a nice place for dinner, do those things you need a date for but don't have a date for - kind of a safety date.

While I am sad I am not in love (and he apparently is not either), I had a great time today. I felt like a woman and not all mom. I felt he was proud that he was with me, and his dad whose seat I had (and kept in touch with date from Florida, texting date with every turn of game events) knew I was a girl known in the Martin world as "ND."

When Jax comes home tomorrow, I should be refreshed and not crabby. If, that is, I head to bed in the very near future. So despite a horrible start, and not the ideal ending, it was a good day.

Tomorrow I will post about The Discussion referenced below, and maybe even Part 3 of the Jax story. All I really need to do on the home front is one load of laundry, unload the dishwasher and pay the bills. And maybe address the grass and leaves and mammoth weeds and broken lawn mower. Or not. Maybe just have a lazy couch and football day of years gone by........

G'night!

How do you Define Rough Morning

• Our morning started at 7.
• Both Jax and I have had colds.
• I am still coughing...crud.
• He was exhausted.
• The house was trashed from yesterday.

I have a date today.

• I did not get to the grocery store.
• He wanted to shower with me.
• I needed to feed, bath and dress the two of us.
• Dishes everywhere.

I have a date today. The house needs picked up.

• The yard is long.
• Mommy is yelling.
• Jax is crying.
• Toys picked up. Candy cleaned up. Bag packed for Jax. Will pack mommy's stuff when I get back.
• We finally load up and he askes, "Mommy, why don't you and daddy live together."

I have a date today.

• I leave a message for date telling him I am running late.
• Explain to G'ma the discussion Jax and I had in the car.
• Finally leave.
• Run through the grocery store.
• Field a call from an employee and solve his issue.
• Call daddy to explain the discussion Jax and I had in the car.

I have a date today.

• Daddy was not thrilled with my answers. Could tell by the tone of his voice.
• Got home with no date car in the drive - good.
• Wash the fruit, throw the dishes in the dishwasher.
• May make it before date shows up at 10.

Phone rings. It is scratchy voiced date. Date had people at his
house last night for Halloween."
"Rough morning?" I say.

"Ugh," is his answer.
"I just woke up," he adds. "I will be there in about 40
minutes."
"No problem," I replied. I will be here.

It is 11:13. Still no date yet. I am pathetically, completely disappointed.....