4 Years Old - Moving On
13 years ago
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Telling Daddy - Part 2
The next 24 hours after standing in the middle of Walgreens now knowing I was with child were a blur. What I can clearly remember is that it was a bit of an out of body experience - continuing on the things I was supposed to be doing, but my mind was a constant tornado of thought.
Night 1 I went on to the first party. It was a pre-election thing at a friend and alderman's house on the lake. Lots of food and drink. Lots of kids running around. To the continual offer of some alcoholic beverage I answered, "No thanks. I have another party after this."
Party 2 was a gathering at the tennis/fitness club. Again I was offered a beer or two or 10 because you know, all of the good health clubs serve beer. To that I was able to retort, "No thanks. I was at another party earlier." JP I tended bar on Friday nights for extra cash, so he was not there.
Day 2 was the annual Halloween bonfire party at a friend and former colleague's. The year before it turned into a MASSIVE drunken fest with few of our current colleagues having small children, and many young colleagues were single.
JP I was supposed to attend with me. He called about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave to say that drunken friend had had a bad day and he took him out and now they were both trashed and he did not want to meet more of my friends in this state. Whatever. I actually was not even that mad.
As I stated in Part 1, the relationship we had was pretty much over. For no solid reason. The spark/flame/excitement was pretty much gone, and after that, there was nothing really left. Ours was not supposed to be a relationship, although we had both been attracted to each other for a long, long time.
JP I was the reason I had become friends with the entire "tennis family" at the health club. I was in a weekly class that was the same night as his league night. The guys ended before us, and gathered in mass for a couple beers (or more), snacks, etc. An older guy had taken an interest in my tennis game and usually came up and spoke to me after class to chat.
One night, JP I hollered out, "Why don't you ever join us for a beer?" To which I answered, "You have never invited me." He then invited me over, I had a beer with them, and thus began my friendship with the group. While finding him attractive, nothing ever came of it for several years. Then one night at a Christmas party, his best friend was in town, and in a drunken state, asked why JP I and I had never ended up together because we were perfect for each other.
Eventually we did. We decided we would try "hanging out." Both of us had been going thru some rough times at work, we lived close to one another, had the same friends, so why not? It was not supposed to get serious. We kept getting together, and one day we realized that we weren't killing each other, that we did actually liked each other so things did hit the next level.
But then as the summer turned to fall, it started to die. I don't know why. There was never that deep completely in love feeling. And we never fell into an everyday routine. I guess we continued to keep each other at an arms length and kept living our own lives.
ANYWAY....Back to 10-30-04....I went to the party, with it a little harder to turn down a beer this time. I think I even carried one around for awhile. My friends had lucked into a sudden adoption, and had their new 3 month old little boy with them.
Remember My Gift and Other Brett with his face painted? I held him for a good 45 minutes to an hour. Of course, he fell fast asleep. I would not put him down. I would not give him back to his mom. I was clinging to him and feeling the reality of that baby inside of me. My mind was oblivious to all going on around me. Wondering what was going to happen. What to do.
Then I could not take it anymore. I had to leave. I could not handle this by myself anymore.
My plan had been to wait to tell JP I until after I had seen a doctor. But I had to tell someone. And it needed to be him.
I drove to his house at 10PM and knocked on his door. He had been cashed out on the couch with the TV on. The look on his face told me he was expecting my wrath.
And then his expression changed. I blurted out, "I was not having fun at the party," and sank down on the couch with him into his arms. "What is wrong?" he asked. "I don't have an ear infection," I said and burst into sobs for the first time.
"What is it?" he asked repeatedly. I gathered enough air to say, "I think I am pregnant." More sobs. "What do you mean THINK??" "I took a pregnancy test and it was postive." "So you mean you ARE pregnant?" "Yes, I, guess so." Long time of sobbing into his chest. Lots of, "Its going to be okay. I am here." "It's going to be okay, we will figure it out." "It's going to be okay, here's a tissue."
When I finally calmed down, he gently said, "Come on. Let's go up to bed." And we made quiet, emotional love - for the last time - and I curled up in his arms and drifted off to a restless sleep.
Night 1 I went on to the first party. It was a pre-election thing at a friend and alderman's house on the lake. Lots of food and drink. Lots of kids running around. To the continual offer of some alcoholic beverage I answered, "No thanks. I have another party after this."
Party 2 was a gathering at the tennis/fitness club. Again I was offered a beer or two or 10 because you know, all of the good health clubs serve beer. To that I was able to retort, "No thanks. I was at another party earlier." JP I tended bar on Friday nights for extra cash, so he was not there.
Day 2 was the annual Halloween bonfire party at a friend and former colleague's. The year before it turned into a MASSIVE drunken fest with few of our current colleagues having small children, and many young colleagues were single.
JP I was supposed to attend with me. He called about 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave to say that drunken friend had had a bad day and he took him out and now they were both trashed and he did not want to meet more of my friends in this state. Whatever. I actually was not even that mad.
As I stated in Part 1, the relationship we had was pretty much over. For no solid reason. The spark/flame/excitement was pretty much gone, and after that, there was nothing really left. Ours was not supposed to be a relationship, although we had both been attracted to each other for a long, long time.
JP I was the reason I had become friends with the entire "tennis family" at the health club. I was in a weekly class that was the same night as his league night. The guys ended before us, and gathered in mass for a couple beers (or more), snacks, etc. An older guy had taken an interest in my tennis game and usually came up and spoke to me after class to chat.
One night, JP I hollered out, "Why don't you ever join us for a beer?" To which I answered, "You have never invited me." He then invited me over, I had a beer with them, and thus began my friendship with the group. While finding him attractive, nothing ever came of it for several years. Then one night at a Christmas party, his best friend was in town, and in a drunken state, asked why JP I and I had never ended up together because we were perfect for each other.
Eventually we did. We decided we would try "hanging out." Both of us had been going thru some rough times at work, we lived close to one another, had the same friends, so why not? It was not supposed to get serious. We kept getting together, and one day we realized that we weren't killing each other, that we did actually liked each other so things did hit the next level.
But then as the summer turned to fall, it started to die. I don't know why. There was never that deep completely in love feeling. And we never fell into an everyday routine. I guess we continued to keep each other at an arms length and kept living our own lives.
ANYWAY....Back to 10-30-04....I went to the party, with it a little harder to turn down a beer this time. I think I even carried one around for awhile. My friends had lucked into a sudden adoption, and had their new 3 month old little boy with them.
Remember My Gift and Other Brett with his face painted? I held him for a good 45 minutes to an hour. Of course, he fell fast asleep. I would not put him down. I would not give him back to his mom. I was clinging to him and feeling the reality of that baby inside of me. My mind was oblivious to all going on around me. Wondering what was going to happen. What to do.
Then I could not take it anymore. I had to leave. I could not handle this by myself anymore.
My plan had been to wait to tell JP I until after I had seen a doctor. But I had to tell someone. And it needed to be him.
I drove to his house at 10PM and knocked on his door. He had been cashed out on the couch with the TV on. The look on his face told me he was expecting my wrath.
And then his expression changed. I blurted out, "I was not having fun at the party," and sank down on the couch with him into his arms. "What is wrong?" he asked. "I don't have an ear infection," I said and burst into sobs for the first time.
"What is it?" he asked repeatedly. I gathered enough air to say, "I think I am pregnant." More sobs. "What do you mean THINK??" "I took a pregnancy test and it was postive." "So you mean you ARE pregnant?" "Yes, I, guess so." Long time of sobbing into his chest. Lots of, "Its going to be okay. I am here." "It's going to be okay, we will figure it out." "It's going to be okay, here's a tissue."
When I finally calmed down, he gently said, "Come on. Let's go up to bed." And we made quiet, emotional love - for the last time - and I curled up in his arms and drifted off to a restless sleep.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
4th Anniversary of that Little Line - Part 1
4 years ago today, a home pregnancy test confirmed that 8 months later, there would be Jax.
It wasn't that easy, of course. You see, I had contracted an odd bacterial infection that left my midsection extremely bloated a couple months prior. My weight was going down, but my waistline kept expanding and expanding. Before consulting my doc, a friend suggested a pregnancy test.
I did not believe I was pregnant, but what could it hurt, so I headed to Walgreens. Walgreens was running a special on the double pack of EPT, with the double being the same price as the single. Being the frugal girl I am, I got the double, went home, and took the test, which was negative. I threw the package away, tossed the extra foil encased stick in the back of the vanity, and went about my business. Doc confirmed the lake waterborne bacteria, prescribed a heavy duty if you take a sip of alcohol you'll wish you hadn't drug, and life got better.
I was painting my dining room red. JP and I were enjoying the baseball playoffs. And except for our little relationship dying a slow unnoteworthy death, life seemed fine.
And then I started with the headaches. And the brief dizzy spells. And apparently some cravings. I suspected an ear infection, but it did not hurt enough to call the doc.
As a result of heavy duty drug, my whole reproductive system had been thrown off a bit, and so when I got to the row of white pills in the pack and my period did not come with full force, I was not alarmed. Then came Wednesday, then Thursday, and finally Friday.
I got out the calendar. I knew I had been on my period when I went to ND with the ladies because I was freaking out that our awful hotel's toilet would not flush. And I counted. 1, 2, 3, 4....5 hum. Different calendar. 1, 2, 3, 4...5. HUUMMM Yet another....still 5
Finally after exhausting my source of calendars, and all of them coming to the same conclusion - I should have started my period by Monday - I remembered the bonus pregnancy test. With a nauseous stomach and a shaky hand, I dug the foil packet out of the back of the vanity. And peed on it. And a line appeared.
But what did the line mean? Was a line negative and a plus positive? Was a single line negative and a double positive? Where was the key? Where was the package? I had done a pregnancy test, saw the result, and DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANT!!!! (Note to EPT - put a key inside EACH stick pack, not just on the box.)
I had two parties to go to that night. My head was spinning, my ears were ringing, but I continued to get cleaned up. I would just run into Walgreens on my way. Which I did. And ran into about 3 different people I knew. I cannot scope out the pregnancy tests with half of my neighborhood in the drug store!!! I bought a candy bar and left.
On to the next Walgreens, which at least was on my way to the first party. No one there I knew. I found the single EPT. It has a key on the side. It was NOTHING like the stick I had. Ugh. Finally, feeling stupid, sick, nervous, scared, and somewhat like I had been transposed into the middle of a bad Seinfeld episode, I found it. The EPT double pack. Flipped it over to the key. Yes, the little line said, "You are pregnant."
It wasn't that easy, of course. You see, I had contracted an odd bacterial infection that left my midsection extremely bloated a couple months prior. My weight was going down, but my waistline kept expanding and expanding. Before consulting my doc, a friend suggested a pregnancy test.
I did not believe I was pregnant, but what could it hurt, so I headed to Walgreens. Walgreens was running a special on the double pack of EPT, with the double being the same price as the single. Being the frugal girl I am, I got the double, went home, and took the test, which was negative. I threw the package away, tossed the extra foil encased stick in the back of the vanity, and went about my business. Doc confirmed the lake waterborne bacteria, prescribed a heavy duty if you take a sip of alcohol you'll wish you hadn't drug, and life got better.
I was painting my dining room red. JP and I were enjoying the baseball playoffs. And except for our little relationship dying a slow unnoteworthy death, life seemed fine.
And then I started with the headaches. And the brief dizzy spells. And apparently some cravings. I suspected an ear infection, but it did not hurt enough to call the doc.
As a result of heavy duty drug, my whole reproductive system had been thrown off a bit, and so when I got to the row of white pills in the pack and my period did not come with full force, I was not alarmed. Then came Wednesday, then Thursday, and finally Friday.
I got out the calendar. I knew I had been on my period when I went to ND with the ladies because I was freaking out that our awful hotel's toilet would not flush. And I counted. 1, 2, 3, 4....5 hum. Different calendar. 1, 2, 3, 4...5. HUUMMM Yet another....still 5
Finally after exhausting my source of calendars, and all of them coming to the same conclusion - I should have started my period by Monday - I remembered the bonus pregnancy test. With a nauseous stomach and a shaky hand, I dug the foil packet out of the back of the vanity. And peed on it. And a line appeared.
But what did the line mean? Was a line negative and a plus positive? Was a single line negative and a double positive? Where was the key? Where was the package? I had done a pregnancy test, saw the result, and DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANT!!!! (Note to EPT - put a key inside EACH stick pack, not just on the box.)
I had two parties to go to that night. My head was spinning, my ears were ringing, but I continued to get cleaned up. I would just run into Walgreens on my way. Which I did. And ran into about 3 different people I knew. I cannot scope out the pregnancy tests with half of my neighborhood in the drug store!!! I bought a candy bar and left.
On to the next Walgreens, which at least was on my way to the first party. No one there I knew. I found the single EPT. It has a key on the side. It was NOTHING like the stick I had. Ugh. Finally, feeling stupid, sick, nervous, scared, and somewhat like I had been transposed into the middle of a bad Seinfeld episode, I found it. The EPT double pack. Flipped it over to the key. Yes, the little line said, "You are pregnant."
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Bed Time Stories
Overheard from the bedroom last night. Mommy and Jackson were reading a book that contains the full alphabet. He is referring to the letter "L."
and this morning, he did.
I can SO draw that letter - YA BABY!
and this morning, he did.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Fun Fall Fotos
Dash & Pumpkin Head
Dash & Scary Guy
I drew my first "J"!
And R, and T, and P, and B and number 3!
Sunday AM Random Musings
- The fever has swung back and forth, and by looking at the child, there is no indication which way it is.
- Jax likes - and asks for - cockadoodledoos, underarm digital thermometer process so dubbed by a mom just before us at the doc one day last year. Apparently it is supposed to resemble a rooster wing. It works.
- I eliminated the "extras" on our plate for Saturday, but that still left 2 afternoon/evening engagements.
- Jax version of words continue to amuse me. A few from yesterday: De-cycling, FruitBeer Sucker, Times-DOWN (not times up; if it is over, it is DOWN)
- He may become a hard rocker, frequently making up songs whereever he may be - yesterday he sang one in the hot shower that included lines like: Somethings wrong with the SU-UNNN. [something something] peppers, tomatoes an someone tookabiteoutofda SU-UUNNNN.... I don't have a clue.
- Yesterday a neighbor admitted she thinks I am an "uber mom" whatever that is. And feels better when I make a "normal" mom comment every now and then. I think it is a compliment.
- Last night a girl who used to work with me asked if I was pregnant. Ouch! But in her defence, I have gained 20 pounds in the last year and am a mere 10 pounds shy of my delivery weight. Sadly, very true.
- I am torn about the trick-or-treating at the zoo this afternoon. It is sunny, Grandma Pitz lives for it, and Jax has his heart set on it. But this is day 4 of the on again off again fever....
- You CANNOT judge Jax fever status from his forehead. His head my be perfectly cool - his back is his true indicator.
- I am discovering I think he is making good choices in friends. Last night he enjoyed his time with the "Other Brett who went on the roller coaster with me" as opposed to the "Other Brett with his face painted." (And he does refer to them by these full names whenever relating ANY story from last night.)
- From the field trip, he was spending time with the boys who weren't causing havoc in the classroom at the start of the day.
- Jax is an AWESOME air hockey player. Other Brett who when on the roll coaster and is a year older than Jax said, Man he is REALLY REALLY good at this game!
- Other Brett with his face painted was three months old and I held him for over an hour at this party 4 years ago, the day after the pregnancy test was positive. I left the party early to go tell Jax dad he was going to be a dad......
The long-awaited story of Jax may unfold in the coming days. It replays in my head like a live movie this time every year.....
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Pendulum
Okay, I now feel bi-polar. It has swung back....but I am not crabby...yet.
In the bliss of our nice quiet, cocooned evening, I failed to mention that there is a confirmed case of chicken pox in Jax class. It is Lennon (aka Lemon in Jax world) who is one of Jax good buddies at school. One he hugged and tickled and was silly boy with at the field trip on Tuesday. He DID have the vaccine, as did Jax.
Jax also has a runny nose. And a cough. And last night/a few hours ago was complaining that his tummy and back itched. But the only rash/mark I could find looked like prickly heat at the waistband area of his underwear, so I sent him to bed commando under his p.j. pants after a good hot shower.
And now he has a 101 fever. He is across the hall doing the moaning, whimpering miserable sleep. I can't bring myself to turn on a bright enough light to check his little hot body for red spots. It was all I could do to force Motrin down him and take his temp. What difference will it make right now anyway?
We have an insane week next week, princess drama queen already has the day off Friday/today/tomorrow whatever it is. Employee #2 below for those keeping score has two children with ear infections at home and a bipolar wife (really - diagnosed - he IS Job).
Part-time old guy was in Cancun for the past 10 days or so and has been home the last 2 days with stomach issues.
Things actually had been under control, but Kim is going to FREAK. I am her security blanket. And she does not believe we have things under control. By the end of the day tomorrow, we may not. But we have planned ahead.
At least my remote access is finally working. I have spent the last hour (12-1 AM) closing my loops, sending out email instructions, and getting things ready for the AM. Hopefully she won't freak too bad.
And hopefully Jax just has a virus and not chicken pox.....or next week could be REALLY ugly. Now on to webmd to read about chicken pox.....sweet dreams.....
In the bliss of our nice quiet, cocooned evening, I failed to mention that there is a confirmed case of chicken pox in Jax class. It is Lennon (aka Lemon in Jax world) who is one of Jax good buddies at school. One he hugged and tickled and was silly boy with at the field trip on Tuesday. He DID have the vaccine, as did Jax.
Jax also has a runny nose. And a cough. And last night/a few hours ago was complaining that his tummy and back itched. But the only rash/mark I could find looked like prickly heat at the waistband area of his underwear, so I sent him to bed commando under his p.j. pants after a good hot shower.
And now he has a 101 fever. He is across the hall doing the moaning, whimpering miserable sleep. I can't bring myself to turn on a bright enough light to check his little hot body for red spots. It was all I could do to force Motrin down him and take his temp. What difference will it make right now anyway?
We have an insane week next week, princess drama queen already has the day off Friday/today/tomorrow whatever it is. Employee #2 below for those keeping score has two children with ear infections at home and a bipolar wife (really - diagnosed - he IS Job).
Part-time old guy was in Cancun for the past 10 days or so and has been home the last 2 days with stomach issues.
Things actually had been under control, but Kim is going to FREAK. I am her security blanket. And she does not believe we have things under control. By the end of the day tomorrow, we may not. But we have planned ahead.
At least my remote access is finally working. I have spent the last hour (12-1 AM) closing my loops, sending out email instructions, and getting things ready for the AM. Hopefully she won't freak too bad.
And hopefully Jax just has a virus and not chicken pox.....or next week could be REALLY ugly. Now on to webmd to read about chicken pox.....sweet dreams.....
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Happiness is....
First School Photo
- My little man showing off the things in his school bag with pride.
- Thirty minutes of playing the match picture-number puzzle "game" because HE wanted to. While seemingly quite bright, he does not want to work at it yet. He struggles with recognizing 6, 7 and 9, but he about has the rest down.
- The little man then beating me soundly at CandyLand.
- Watching the little man thoroughly enjoy his first cold, damp fall evening dinner of grilled cheese and vegetable soup and saying, "Mommy, this is delicious."
- Finally hearing some tales of preschool, including how Hannah helped him draw the eyes on his pumpkin puppet (he has a HUGE crush on her.)
- After my frustrating day (okay - week), being able to come home and enjoy my time with him.
My Frustrating Work Life
Dear Institutes of Higher Learning:
I am proposing a new seminar that should be strongly recommended for certain students regardless of field of study. The students required to/strongly encouraged to enroll prior to graduation should be identified by the core faculty and/or student advisers in each school/program. Those targeted should be bright, have common sense, and someday end up in a position of management in their eventual field.
It should be called:
I need it. Also the smart, organized full of common sense young lady who works with me now needs it too.
I was a government major. She was a biology major who now holds a Master's of Public Health degree. We don't have a business/HR graduate among us.
She has joined me in spending time cleaning up the messes created by (1) one employee who is a drama princess, who fails to pay attention in staff meetings or ask questions she when does not understand something (only if she doesn't want to hear it) and then it takes about 3 times of personal one on one instruction to comprehend how to do something if and when she (a) is patient enough to sit still and (b) is not completely opposed to the idea (if she is, she won't "get it" ever); and (2) a second employee who is brilliant but completely sloppy, distracted and disorganized.
I frequently remind Young Perfect Employee that we are the exception, not the rule. It is hard to grasp that when for all of your years of higher ed, and frequently high school, your were among like-minded and capable beings.
I must also remind her this while maintaining my role as chief of staff and not calling the others who work for me blithering incompetent idiots. I still think she can read it all over my face. I need help.
Sincerely,
Suzanne M. LastName, COO
FPSI, Inc.
p.s. I know I can post this because my blog readers, all 4 or 5 of you, would be required to attend this course, too. If you have mastered these skills, please send me your wisdom.
I am proposing a new seminar that should be strongly recommended for certain students regardless of field of study. The students required to/strongly encouraged to enroll prior to graduation should be identified by the core faculty and/or student advisers in each school/program. Those targeted should be bright, have common sense, and someday end up in a position of management in their eventual field.
It should be called:
How to Deal with Those Lacking Common Sense and/or Intelligence so You Don't End up in Jail
I need it. Also the smart, organized full of common sense young lady who works with me now needs it too.
I was a government major. She was a biology major who now holds a Master's of Public Health degree. We don't have a business/HR graduate among us.
She has joined me in spending time cleaning up the messes created by (1) one employee who is a drama princess, who fails to pay attention in staff meetings or ask questions she when does not understand something (only if she doesn't want to hear it) and then it takes about 3 times of personal one on one instruction to comprehend how to do something if and when she (a) is patient enough to sit still and (b) is not completely opposed to the idea (if she is, she won't "get it" ever); and (2) a second employee who is brilliant but completely sloppy, distracted and disorganized.
I frequently remind Young Perfect Employee that we are the exception, not the rule. It is hard to grasp that when for all of your years of higher ed, and frequently high school, your were among like-minded and capable beings.
I must also remind her this while maintaining my role as chief of staff and not calling the others who work for me blithering incompetent idiots. I still think she can read it all over my face. I need help.
Sincerely,
Suzanne M. LastName, COO
FPSI, Inc.
p.s. I know I can post this because my blog readers, all 4 or 5 of you, would be required to attend this course, too. If you have mastered these skills, please send me your wisdom.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
When Enough is Enough
I had it with the clutter building in my house.
As I have noted, one HUGE issue with my endo status lately is the inability to move a few days each month. Couple that with tight work schedule, travel, my not caring days, and you end up with piles all over my house.
I DESPISE CLUTTER.
One HUGE benefit of being a single mom with a very cooperative dad and non-inlaw family (how I frequently refer to John's family, because I am not sure what else to call them exactly) is my 28-30 hours every other weekend kid free. Yesterday I had a work meeting most of the day, but today the stars were aligned. I read the paper, went to church, then the grocery store, and then got a ton done before picking Jax up at 4.
I even managed to cook a delicious meal for a change - marinated top sirloin with portabello mushrooms, tortellini tossed in a tomato cream sauces, fresh steamed carrots, Hawaiian bread dinner rolls, and baked apples with blueberries for dessert.
All I have left is to get Jax out of the tub, fold and put away 2 loads of laundry, empty the dishwasher and pay the bills. After every thing else I accomplished today, I have faith it CAN be done......that would be a GREAT way to start the week.
As I have noted, one HUGE issue with my endo status lately is the inability to move a few days each month. Couple that with tight work schedule, travel, my not caring days, and you end up with piles all over my house.
I DESPISE CLUTTER.
One HUGE benefit of being a single mom with a very cooperative dad and non-inlaw family (how I frequently refer to John's family, because I am not sure what else to call them exactly) is my 28-30 hours every other weekend kid free. Yesterday I had a work meeting most of the day, but today the stars were aligned. I read the paper, went to church, then the grocery store, and then got a ton done before picking Jax up at 4.
I even managed to cook a delicious meal for a change - marinated top sirloin with portabello mushrooms, tortellini tossed in a tomato cream sauces, fresh steamed carrots, Hawaiian bread dinner rolls, and baked apples with blueberries for dessert.
All I have left is to get Jax out of the tub, fold and put away 2 loads of laundry, empty the dishwasher and pay the bills. After every thing else I accomplished today, I have faith it CAN be done......that would be a GREAT way to start the week.
Friday, October 17, 2008
My Date(s)
- Hot Dogs, tater tots & lemonade at Sonic - $6.22
- 45 minutes with perfect behaviour "scoping out" ToysRUs - $0.00
- Apple pie & Ice Cream left over from our play date last night - $0.00
A perfectly fun Friday night date with my handsome brown haired, hazel eyed little man, PRICELESS!
Other highlights from our date: - "Mommy, we cannot leave yet. I have not finished my lunch. I will eat my bread and then tell you when we can go to ToysRUs. Plan?"
- Seeing the beam on his face when I thanked him for being so very good at ToysRUs.
- That he was a PERFECT angel at ToysRUs.
- I got a VERY good idea what he wanted and did not really care about for Christmas.
- "Mommy, next time we can go to the Racket Club, and I will play tennis with you. It will be our tennis GAME. Plan?"
- "Thanks, Mommy, for a fun night."
(And my other "pre-date" if you can call it that: Got a call from a guy out there inviting me for a drink after work but starting early. Met him through a mutual friend and see him usually at a monthly local social networking club. Returned the call when I was ready to strangle the people at work and left at 4:30. He was not out yet, so invited me over for one before I picked Jax up. Nicely decorated house. Mirror image of mine. 6 blocks away across our gorgeous park (we are both in the first block outside of the park - him north, me south. His dog loved me. I was there about 45 minutes. It was the first time it was just us. Still have not decided if I like him. Not sure if he likes me. I always feel like I am being interviewed. BUT he is nice, has a good job, and looked amazing in his dress clothes and tie. Of course I was in my fall campaign uniform of 12 year old green fleece, jeans, white t-shirt and causual shoes. Ugh. Why didn't I AT LEAST wear my cute new brown jacket???!! My friends always tease me about only wanting "a suit," which is kind of true, unless the cute little young contractor boy would just quit smoking.....I even thought Jax dad looked great yesterday AM in his finely pressed shirt and nice dress pants for work, and I know I don't want to go there again. But to me there is nothing sexier than a man in a smooth dress shirt, loosened tie and messed hair at the end of a long day.....I digress. We will see. He invited us over for a Halloween cookout, but not sure with trick or treating and candy passing out if that will be in the cards. Will be Jax free the night after Halloween though.... Who knows. By the way, did I mention his dog loved me?)
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I got sucked in....Santa Gift #2
..and fell hook, line and sinker.
Last night, being Wednesday, I met some friends for dinner and a beer, then came home exhausted at about 7:15. I had no energy, was still not to the walking further than 20 feet at a time phase in the endo pain recovery cycle, so collapsed on my bed.
My plan had been to journey out to B&N after dinner to get our new book club book "Away" by Amy Bloom and read, but it was cold and rainy, and B&N would involve walking more than 20 feet at a time. Plus, we had dinner less than a mile from home. Maybe not even a full half mile.
There was NOTHING on TV except the debate which I had to tune out because a recovering political hack/senior executive policy advisor/hired political gun (depending on your perspective) from my era MUST tune such things out to save our sanity, and baseball, and being a Cub fan, well, you understand.
Anyway, I ended up watching Jon & Kate + 8 for a few hours. I am not a reality TV fan aside from HGTV (who can resist Carter Oosterhouse???!!) and anything KTP might have produced, but their "little kids" are slightly older than Jax and about the same development stage, so once I turn it on, I have trouble leaving.
As part of the show, there was blatant product placement - the Tonka Bounce Back Racer. Their kids loved it, had lots of fun with it, made them late for preschool because of it, etc.
Jax had coveted a remote control car since right after his birthday. When he had his surgery, my friend/boss Kim and her daughter/sometimes Jax babysitter Emily, picked out the Lightening McQueen car for him because Em thought it would be perfect, which it was.
BUT I liked the "soft, squishy body and oversize rubber tires, which means kids can take this speedster for a spin without hurting your walls, feet and floors" part of the description, the ease of operating, Jon said the littles had no trouble with it, so I had to check it out today over lunch at The Red Ball Store (Target) - which also sucks me in. (I do feel better today; the house is TRASHED but I DO feel better.)
It was not in the Tonka section. Not in the remote control car section. It WAS in the toddler toy section - shout of thanks to the nice Red Ball Store clerk who helped me figure it out. My thoughts on 2-4 being considered "toddlers" will have to wait for another post.
I found it. THE. LAST. ONE. It is squishy. It is colorful. It is a Tonka for goodness sake. It is ALOT more expensive than some of the other cool characters' cars.
But what if it is the hottest toy of the year? What if it is the next Cabbage Patch Kid or Tickle Me Elmo? What if I waited for it to go on sale and then might not be able to find it like with Jax first Christmas special gift? The Racer is being featured on Jon and Kate + 8 for goodness sake. (I did eventually find that Dinasauer after spending an entire tank of gas - it NEVER went on sale - BUT he still plays with it for his Hot Wheels cars.)
I had to get it. Surely he will LOVE it.
But I can't help but wonder, how much of my $34.99 went Jon and Kate and their 8.......?
Last night, being Wednesday, I met some friends for dinner and a beer, then came home exhausted at about 7:15. I had no energy, was still not to the walking further than 20 feet at a time phase in the endo pain recovery cycle, so collapsed on my bed.
My plan had been to journey out to B&N after dinner to get our new book club book "Away" by Amy Bloom and read, but it was cold and rainy, and B&N would involve walking more than 20 feet at a time. Plus, we had dinner less than a mile from home. Maybe not even a full half mile.
There was NOTHING on TV except the debate which I had to tune out because a recovering political hack/senior executive policy advisor/hired political gun (depending on your perspective) from my era MUST tune such things out to save our sanity, and baseball, and being a Cub fan, well, you understand.
Anyway, I ended up watching Jon & Kate + 8 for a few hours. I am not a reality TV fan aside from HGTV (who can resist Carter Oosterhouse???!!) and anything KTP might have produced, but their "little kids" are slightly older than Jax and about the same development stage, so once I turn it on, I have trouble leaving.
As part of the show, there was blatant product placement - the Tonka Bounce Back Racer. Their kids loved it, had lots of fun with it, made them late for preschool because of it, etc.
Jax had coveted a remote control car since right after his birthday. When he had his surgery, my friend/boss Kim and her daughter/sometimes Jax babysitter Emily, picked out the Lightening McQueen car for him because Em thought it would be perfect, which it was.
BUT I liked the "soft, squishy body and oversize rubber tires, which means kids can take this speedster for a spin without hurting your walls, feet and floors" part of the description, the ease of operating, Jon said the littles had no trouble with it, so I had to check it out today over lunch at The Red Ball Store (Target) - which also sucks me in. (I do feel better today; the house is TRASHED but I DO feel better.)
It was not in the Tonka section. Not in the remote control car section. It WAS in the toddler toy section - shout of thanks to the nice Red Ball Store clerk who helped me figure it out. My thoughts on 2-4 being considered "toddlers" will have to wait for another post.
I found it. THE. LAST. ONE. It is squishy. It is colorful. It is a Tonka for goodness sake. It is ALOT more expensive than some of the other cool characters' cars.
But what if it is the hottest toy of the year? What if it is the next Cabbage Patch Kid or Tickle Me Elmo? What if I waited for it to go on sale and then might not be able to find it like with Jax first Christmas special gift? The Racer is being featured on Jon and Kate + 8 for goodness sake. (I did eventually find that Dinasauer after spending an entire tank of gas - it NEVER went on sale - BUT he still plays with it for his Hot Wheels cars.)
I had to get it. Surely he will LOVE it.
But I can't help but wonder, how much of my $34.99 went Jon and Kate and their 8.......?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Observations from the Weekend
- Glow stix in "the woods" do look creepy.
- Glow stix intended to illuminate other things don't.
- Don't go to the party story when you are in a silly mood. Your wallet may disappear(or at least the money in it).
- Kids can fight like cats and dogs, and then declare two minutes later they are best friends.
- Six years age difference seems like a ton when you are 12 and 18, but not so much at 37 and 43.
- The old fireman will be the one out of the 6 who come over from the firehouse next door who talks with the single girl (me).
- You don't really need creepy woods to make the hay ride fun.
- You don't really need hay to make the hay ride fun.
- When push comes to shove, kids get when they need to leave mommy alone to sleep/lay around/not move and to go find grandma or grandpa instead.
- Kids, not matter how young or old, want the treat bags, so have enough.
- Jax loves strawberry milkshakes.
- Candy corn and peanuts is addictive, even if you don't love the flavor.
Probably the best part of the extended weekend was getting away. Having four of us there balanced things out, allowed us to relax a little, get things accomplished, and have some quiet bonding time one on one.
- When conflict arose decorating the forest, mom took Jax in for the two of them to nap, and dad and I quietly assisted each other when needed, and left each other along for our decorating.
- When mom and I were working on food, planning next summer's reunion, etc., dad took Jax out to swing, slide, or ride in the tractor.
- When mom and dad needed to set up and bicker without us around, I took Jax shopping or out to play Frisbee.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Haunting the House
We had a great time, and will post details later, but Jackson's favorite part was the tractor rides. Here are some pics in the meantime.
Readying the Ghosts
Headless Man on the Porch
GrandmaB's Ghost Lamp
Creepy Cemetary by the Firepit
Mini-Hay Rides (without the hay) Thru our Haunted Forest
Readying the Ghosts
Headless Man on the Porch
GrandmaB's Ghost Lamp
Creepy Cemetary by the Firepit
Mini-Hay Rides (without the hay) Thru our Haunted ForestThursday, October 9, 2008
New Insurance (and Welcome, Megan Mary Knapp!)
...or back to the old.
My company may likely be switching insurance. UGH. The old/new insurance company does not have my primary doc in the plan. My preferred hospital and ob/gyn and cardiologist (from days gone by) are all in - the other things I check.
But my primary doc I have had since I moved to Springfield 15 years and 1 month ago this week, she has guided me through many health issues, some real and some perceived (by both her and me), and is the one I believe sent an email to my OB/GYN last week outlining that I was, um, unhappy about the previous visit that I believe he had in his hand when he walked into the office last week.
I NEED HER.
Fortunately I do have people, and just consulted my other father (my best friend's dad) who told me that baby #5 is Megan Mary who arrived two days ago, but is still in the NICU with a heart concern and that mom had her first c-section and delivery drugs with little Megan, but apparently both should be coming home tomorrow....I will call them on the road to Indy.....I digress - that was NOT the reason I called him.
He and his sons own Stumm Insurance and specialize in our type of health plan. Sadly, they are not our broker, but check them out if I have some lurkers in the Chicagoland area. He advised me on our rate increase issues, broke it down for us, and offered some advice so that we could likely stay with BC/BC instead of Central IL Giant PPO that does not have my doctor.
I love our plan type - even though I initially hated it - I will offer my commentary on the many values of a high deductible HSA plan on at later post - and hope/pray that we get to stay with it under a different configuration. Since my endo and I contributed for about 12% of the 42%rate jump, and seem to be the ONLY one who cares if we end up with Central IL Giant PPO we will see.
My company may likely be switching insurance. UGH. The old/new insurance company does not have my primary doc in the plan. My preferred hospital and ob/gyn and cardiologist (from days gone by) are all in - the other things I check.
But my primary doc I have had since I moved to Springfield 15 years and 1 month ago this week, she has guided me through many health issues, some real and some perceived (by both her and me), and is the one I believe sent an email to my OB/GYN last week outlining that I was, um, unhappy about the previous visit that I believe he had in his hand when he walked into the office last week.
I NEED HER.
Fortunately I do have people, and just consulted my other father (my best friend's dad) who told me that baby #5 is Megan Mary who arrived two days ago, but is still in the NICU with a heart concern and that mom had her first c-section and delivery drugs with little Megan, but apparently both should be coming home tomorrow....I will call them on the road to Indy.....I digress - that was NOT the reason I called him.
He and his sons own Stumm Insurance and specialize in our type of health plan. Sadly, they are not our broker, but check them out if I have some lurkers in the Chicagoland area. He advised me on our rate increase issues, broke it down for us, and offered some advice so that we could likely stay with BC/BC instead of Central IL Giant PPO that does not have my doctor.
I love our plan type - even though I initially hated it - I will offer my commentary on the many values of a high deductible HSA plan on at later post - and hope/pray that we get to stay with it under a different configuration. Since my endo and I contributed for about 12% of the 42%rate jump, and seem to be the ONLY one who cares if we end up with Central IL Giant PPO we will see.
Packing - Strange Rite of Passage
Jax and I are headed "Back Home to Indiana" to help put in the 5? Annual MyFamilyLastName Bonfire & Weenie Roast.
Since event planning, big and small, is a part of our ever growing company, I took the opportunity to jump in with both feet after mom asked me to make the invitation for it.
Anyway, I am sure I will post about it later. But I spent part of my child-free Wednesday evening and this AM packing for our 3/4 night trip. As I set things outside to load the car this AM, it occurred to me I packed for a mom and a little boy, not a baby or toddler, for the first time in 4 years.
No stroller and pack-n-play, diapers and wipes, potty seat and Clorox wipe, special silverware or even real sippee cups. We did not need a special bag of toys - just a handful to get thru the car ride and a couple of MY choice of bedtime books. And, hey, I have snacks, my music and a magazine, so that does not even count.
His clothes are bigger, and I had to pack double for both of us with high 70s days and high 40s nights, so the trunk is still jammed (oh, and the decorations I got for the party), but that is okay.
Blue blankey and Puppy are still in his back pack that he takes to Melodies, so they will likely be with us forever, but other than that, Jax has shed his baby gear. Wow.
It is good that I think this is a good thing.
Since event planning, big and small, is a part of our ever growing company, I took the opportunity to jump in with both feet after mom asked me to make the invitation for it.
Anyway, I am sure I will post about it later. But I spent part of my child-free Wednesday evening and this AM packing for our 3/4 night trip. As I set things outside to load the car this AM, it occurred to me I packed for a mom and a little boy, not a baby or toddler, for the first time in 4 years.
No stroller and pack-n-play, diapers and wipes, potty seat and Clorox wipe, special silverware or even real sippee cups. We did not need a special bag of toys - just a handful to get thru the car ride and a couple of MY choice of bedtime books. And, hey, I have snacks, my music and a magazine, so that does not even count.
His clothes are bigger, and I had to pack double for both of us with high 70s days and high 40s nights, so the trunk is still jammed (oh, and the decorations I got for the party), but that is okay.
Blue blankey and Puppy are still in his back pack that he takes to Melodies, so they will likely be with us forever, but other than that, Jax has shed his baby gear. Wow.
It is good that I think this is a good thing.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Catholic School Observations
B.S. preschool has religion class every day. They use a curriculum that teaches preschool like things, but with a God/Jesus twist - the five senses, safety, etc. Actually I think it is clever the way they tie the two together.
Jackson definitely has a good sense of right and wrong. He despises being in trouble. The only problem we have encountered so far is many things that are in the not exactly right category only appear to him to be wrong if I don't see or hear them (or if he does not think that I do). He goes so far as to tell me not to look when he wants to pick his nose. The other night I tried to build on the B.S. curriculum by telling him that if he thinks that it is wrong, even if I don't see/hear him, God, Jesus and Santa Claus all do, and it makes them sad. We will see.
In the category of aaaauuuuuuu...we finally unpacked his bag from Thursday this AM. I pulled out a pretty rose with a heart tag on it that says, "I am precious to God. Thank you for my life." And Jax said full of pride and love, "It is for YOU, Mommy!"
It is sitting in a vase on my desk where I can see it every day.
You are welcome, little man. The honor is truly mine.
Jackson definitely has a good sense of right and wrong. He despises being in trouble. The only problem we have encountered so far is many things that are in the not exactly right category only appear to him to be wrong if I don't see or hear them (or if he does not think that I do). He goes so far as to tell me not to look when he wants to pick his nose. The other night I tried to build on the B.S. curriculum by telling him that if he thinks that it is wrong, even if I don't see/hear him, God, Jesus and Santa Claus all do, and it makes them sad. We will see.
In the category of aaaauuuuuuu...we finally unpacked his bag from Thursday this AM. I pulled out a pretty rose with a heart tag on it that says, "I am precious to God. Thank you for my life." And Jax said full of pride and love, "It is for YOU, Mommy!"
It is sitting in a vase on my desk where I can see it every day.
You are welcome, little man. The honor is truly mine.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sprinkly Hands and other Clever Things
Jackson is full of cleverness lately. Perhaps it is school, perhaps witty heredity from, well, not me, not dad, perhaps my sister?
The other night in the wee hours I was called to his room. His hand was "sprinkly" - asleep, I assume. I worked on rubbing down his forearm, but after about 30 seconds, he said to me in disgust, "I think it just needs washed." He wandered into the bathroom, let some cold water run over it; turned off the water, dried his hands, and sauntered back in saying it bit matter of factly, "It worked," and climbed back in bed.
Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, what did I need to get up for?!
He is also an awesome Frisbee thrower. Seriously, the kid can wing a Frisbee. Perhaps by 2024 it will be an Olympic sport, he can get some massive Nike contact or something.
Anyway, last night I opted for the lightweight cloth meant-for-the-pool version, and we headed out back (to grill our chicken). It was a good time killer, and he could even make the Frisbee "skip" off the patio.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the thing to skip. Could have something to do with trajectory of something, I dunno. Once I got it to slide along the patio, but did not achieve airborne status again. Jackson said, however, in a very super sweet, sing-songy parent-supportive kind of way, "That was a great job, Mommy. You almost did it." And then he added as if for effect, "I'm so proud of you!"
I felt so little.
But then he called me to watch one if his "super cool tricks." He took both Frisbees, flung them with both hands, and they each saled in opposited directions as if thrown by a pro.
Okay. It WAS cool.
The other night in the wee hours I was called to his room. His hand was "sprinkly" - asleep, I assume. I worked on rubbing down his forearm, but after about 30 seconds, he said to me in disgust, "I think it just needs washed." He wandered into the bathroom, let some cold water run over it; turned off the water, dried his hands, and sauntered back in saying it bit matter of factly, "It worked," and climbed back in bed.
Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, what did I need to get up for?!
He is also an awesome Frisbee thrower. Seriously, the kid can wing a Frisbee. Perhaps by 2024 it will be an Olympic sport, he can get some massive Nike contact or something.
Anyway, last night I opted for the lightweight cloth meant-for-the-pool version, and we headed out back (to grill our chicken). It was a good time killer, and he could even make the Frisbee "skip" off the patio.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the thing to skip. Could have something to do with trajectory of something, I dunno. Once I got it to slide along the patio, but did not achieve airborne status again. Jackson said, however, in a very super sweet, sing-songy parent-supportive kind of way, "That was a great job, Mommy. You almost did it." And then he added as if for effect, "I'm so proud of you!"
I felt so little.
But then he called me to watch one if his "super cool tricks." He took both Frisbees, flung them with both hands, and they each saled in opposited directions as if thrown by a pro.
Okay. It WAS cool.
My Gift
Editor's note. I wrote this Saturday AM. I could not yet post because of my internet problem, but it is now fixed. I contemplated NOT posting it, but am going ahead. After my 45 minute cry, some good retail therapy resulting in fall decorating of my porch (will post pics later), dinner and a comedy club with friends, I feel much, much better.
I have been blessed with a gift that is the envy of all mothers and grandmothers I know – I have the uncanny ability to get babies to sleep. Give me 15 minutes and about 4 square feet of floor space, and I will get your sweet thing to sleep. It has only failed me once that I even slightly recall. Don’t hate me.
Last night my group of friends went to dinner to my choice of a laid back, old school, family owned pizza place a few blocks from my house. Not only were there 9 of us at our table, a friend’s family joined us at the adjacent table. His sister had their 4 month old with her (decked out in Jackson wear!).
Ben was tired. The lights were bright, and his parents had forgotten his pacifier. Mom and dad passed him back and forth through appetizers, to no avail. I finished my dinner right before their pizza arrived, so I swooped in and took Ben from his mom. Never fail, it worked.
After a few minutes, I sat back down at our table, with him sound asleep in my arms – Jackson jealously telling me I COULD NOT take Ben home with us.
Rocking him to sleep, and then sitting there holding his sweet little body inevitably led me to think about the current state of affairs with my reproductive health.
I had not shared my situation with this group of friends – the really tough stuff I tend to keep to myself, a few close people or blog about. Last night while holding Ben, I shared with Val, the mother of two grown children. When I shared that Kim, my friend and boss suggested I consider having a baby and then having the surgery, she thought it was a good idea.
Jax’ Aunt Lori semi-joked that Jax’ dad and I get together for one more baby so Jax could have a brother or sister and we had done such a good job with him. She did say how she always assumed I would get married and have more children.
Well, so had I, for as long as I can remember, but it hasn’t worked out that way.
The thing is, I have never considered having a baby to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Jax mom. Since I was a little girl, I imagined myself and as married, a professional and a mom of about 3 children. I always said I wanted to have my children young so I could be active with them like my parents were with my sister and me.
Our parish priest often says if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.
Up until the past couple of weeks I have been praying and exploring what exactly God’s plan for me, and for Jax, is. Why did He bless me with him?
When I was first pregnant, I thought He finally “got” me for those times I knelt in church and prayed, “If I’m not pregnant, I will never have sex again.” It was a lie. And I did. Well, until the last couple of years.
But since my endo diagnosis, I have been thinking that perhaps God sent me Jackson, because he also knew I would end up with this choice. And He knew I wanted to be a mom, and at least he was giving me part of my plan.
Or maybe He has great things planned for Jackson. And maybe me. Jackson is a blessing. I am so very grateful for him and since the doc truly outlined my options, I have needed to snuggle him and feel him close to me. He is my baby and most likely my only baby.
But this morning, cleaning the kitchen, loading the sippee cups and Lightning McQueen silverware into the dishwasher; maneuvering around the many pieces of baby gifts lying around the house for the oh so many babies that have just been born or are about to; having had Jackson tell me to take the baby swing down from the front porch because he is too big for it, I started pacing my galley kitchen. And then I started sobbing, and I have not stopped.
I still want my dream. I still want a family. One with a loving husband to put his arm around me and let me sob into his chest. To tell me it will be okay and that we can have another child if I can stand the pain until then. But that it is okay if I can’t. To help share in the little stories and observations of my little man (or little girl) so my colleagues and friends don’t roll their eyes with ANOTHER Jackson story. To fetch the juice, breakfast, start the movie, and help find where the number 2 goes in the puzzle when mommy hurts too much to get out of bed.
But it does not seem that that is going to happen. Or it could. Endo is like a smoldering fire that sometimes flares up and when it does, the pain is excruciating. And I am the only one who can put out that fire for good. But ending one misery is making the decision to accept another – the end of my little girl dream. Or maybe the pills will work until the natural end of it all.
Or maybe it is accepting the plan God has laid out for me, for Jackson.
Or maybe that special guy is out there and will appear in the next few months, sweep me off my feet and make it all work.
But I cannot keep that option out there in front. It will make me crazy. It has in the past. AND I have Jackson to look out for too.
I guess I have to say, I don’t want any more suggestions to have a baby just because soon I will not be able to (if I even still can). I know I need to pray and hope to realize God’s plan for us. To be comforted in what I have, and to try to be the best mom to Jax that I can.
I have been given great gifts. I have been blessed far more than many around me. I need to hold and love those gifts, and share them when I can. And hopefully I will soon be able to rock myself to sleep and feel comfort.
I have been blessed with a gift that is the envy of all mothers and grandmothers I know – I have the uncanny ability to get babies to sleep. Give me 15 minutes and about 4 square feet of floor space, and I will get your sweet thing to sleep. It has only failed me once that I even slightly recall. Don’t hate me.
Last night my group of friends went to dinner to my choice of a laid back, old school, family owned pizza place a few blocks from my house. Not only were there 9 of us at our table, a friend’s family joined us at the adjacent table. His sister had their 4 month old with her (decked out in Jackson wear!).
Ben was tired. The lights were bright, and his parents had forgotten his pacifier. Mom and dad passed him back and forth through appetizers, to no avail. I finished my dinner right before their pizza arrived, so I swooped in and took Ben from his mom. Never fail, it worked.
After a few minutes, I sat back down at our table, with him sound asleep in my arms – Jackson jealously telling me I COULD NOT take Ben home with us.
Rocking him to sleep, and then sitting there holding his sweet little body inevitably led me to think about the current state of affairs with my reproductive health.
I had not shared my situation with this group of friends – the really tough stuff I tend to keep to myself, a few close people or blog about. Last night while holding Ben, I shared with Val, the mother of two grown children. When I shared that Kim, my friend and boss suggested I consider having a baby and then having the surgery, she thought it was a good idea.
Jax’ Aunt Lori semi-joked that Jax’ dad and I get together for one more baby so Jax could have a brother or sister and we had done such a good job with him. She did say how she always assumed I would get married and have more children.
Well, so had I, for as long as I can remember, but it hasn’t worked out that way.
The thing is, I have never considered having a baby to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Jax mom. Since I was a little girl, I imagined myself and as married, a professional and a mom of about 3 children. I always said I wanted to have my children young so I could be active with them like my parents were with my sister and me.
Our parish priest often says if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.
Up until the past couple of weeks I have been praying and exploring what exactly God’s plan for me, and for Jax, is. Why did He bless me with him?
When I was first pregnant, I thought He finally “got” me for those times I knelt in church and prayed, “If I’m not pregnant, I will never have sex again.” It was a lie. And I did. Well, until the last couple of years.
But since my endo diagnosis, I have been thinking that perhaps God sent me Jackson, because he also knew I would end up with this choice. And He knew I wanted to be a mom, and at least he was giving me part of my plan.
Or maybe He has great things planned for Jackson. And maybe me. Jackson is a blessing. I am so very grateful for him and since the doc truly outlined my options, I have needed to snuggle him and feel him close to me. He is my baby and most likely my only baby.
But this morning, cleaning the kitchen, loading the sippee cups and Lightning McQueen silverware into the dishwasher; maneuvering around the many pieces of baby gifts lying around the house for the oh so many babies that have just been born or are about to; having had Jackson tell me to take the baby swing down from the front porch because he is too big for it, I started pacing my galley kitchen. And then I started sobbing, and I have not stopped.
I still want my dream. I still want a family. One with a loving husband to put his arm around me and let me sob into his chest. To tell me it will be okay and that we can have another child if I can stand the pain until then. But that it is okay if I can’t. To help share in the little stories and observations of my little man (or little girl) so my colleagues and friends don’t roll their eyes with ANOTHER Jackson story. To fetch the juice, breakfast, start the movie, and help find where the number 2 goes in the puzzle when mommy hurts too much to get out of bed.
But it does not seem that that is going to happen. Or it could. Endo is like a smoldering fire that sometimes flares up and when it does, the pain is excruciating. And I am the only one who can put out that fire for good. But ending one misery is making the decision to accept another – the end of my little girl dream. Or maybe the pills will work until the natural end of it all.
Or maybe it is accepting the plan God has laid out for me, for Jackson.
Or maybe that special guy is out there and will appear in the next few months, sweep me off my feet and make it all work.
But I cannot keep that option out there in front. It will make me crazy. It has in the past. AND I have Jackson to look out for too.
I guess I have to say, I don’t want any more suggestions to have a baby just because soon I will not be able to (if I even still can). I know I need to pray and hope to realize God’s plan for us. To be comforted in what I have, and to try to be the best mom to Jax that I can.
I have been given great gifts. I have been blessed far more than many around me. I need to hold and love those gifts, and share them when I can. And hopefully I will soon be able to rock myself to sleep and feel comfort.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Results of "The Meeting"
I had my meeting with ob/gyn doc yesterday. And it was a good meeting, despite having to wait 90 minutes to see him (yes, 90 minutes after my scheduled appointment time, and if it had NOT gone well, he likely would not still be alive. I considered walking out a couple of times, but didn't).
Anyway, the long and short of it is that when you have endo, you need to establish your short and long term goals and that determines your treatment plan. End pain? Yes. Get Pregnant? No. At least not for now.
Now that ending the pain is the goal, we have two options, (1) find a pill that works; or (2) do a hysterectomy. When point blank asked if I was ready to commit to not having any more kids, my answer was no. Not yet.
So we are going to try to find a pill that (1) takes away the pain or reduces it; and (2) does not make me crazy. So far Pill #1 got a + the first column; and a - in the second. I got free samples of Pill #2, which is a bonus.
I did grill him on things such as if he was confident in the diagnosis, the alternative treatments I read about, and on and on down my list. I learned that the other options I had heard about (Lapro, Lupron, some other drugs) are only effective for helping with fertility, and do not (no matter how much other docs might say) help reduce pain for any period of time. I am also content not vetting the fertility options until I have had at least two dates with the same person, which has not happened in, well, um, about 4 years.
We also did discuss the after affects of my option 2, and feel like I came away with good, informed answers.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that when you have endo, you need to establish your short and long term goals and that determines your treatment plan. End pain? Yes. Get Pregnant? No. At least not for now.
Now that ending the pain is the goal, we have two options, (1) find a pill that works; or (2) do a hysterectomy. When point blank asked if I was ready to commit to not having any more kids, my answer was no. Not yet.
So we are going to try to find a pill that (1) takes away the pain or reduces it; and (2) does not make me crazy. So far Pill #1 got a + the first column; and a - in the second. I got free samples of Pill #2, which is a bonus.
I did grill him on things such as if he was confident in the diagnosis, the alternative treatments I read about, and on and on down my list. I learned that the other options I had heard about (Lapro, Lupron, some other drugs) are only effective for helping with fertility, and do not (no matter how much other docs might say) help reduce pain for any period of time. I am also content not vetting the fertility options until I have had at least two dates with the same person, which has not happened in, well, um, about 4 years.
We also did discuss the after affects of my option 2, and feel like I came away with good, informed answers.
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