My Gift

Editor's note. I wrote this Saturday AM. I could not yet post because of my internet problem, but it is now fixed. I contemplated NOT posting it, but am going ahead. After my 45 minute cry, some good retail therapy resulting in fall decorating of my porch (will post pics later), dinner and a comedy club with friends, I feel much, much better.

I have been blessed with a gift that is the envy of all mothers and grandmothers I know – I have the uncanny ability to get babies to sleep. Give me 15 minutes and about 4 square feet of floor space, and I will get your sweet thing to sleep. It has only failed me once that I even slightly recall. Don’t hate me.

Last night my group of friends went to dinner to my choice of a laid back, old school, family owned pizza place a few blocks from my house. Not only were there 9 of us at our table, a friend’s family joined us at the adjacent table. His sister had their 4 month old with her (decked out in Jackson wear!).

Ben was tired. The lights were bright, and his parents had forgotten his pacifier. Mom and dad passed him back and forth through appetizers, to no avail. I finished my dinner right before their pizza arrived, so I swooped in and took Ben from his mom. Never fail, it worked.

After a few minutes, I sat back down at our table, with him sound asleep in my arms – Jackson jealously telling me I COULD NOT take Ben home with us.

Rocking him to sleep, and then sitting there holding his sweet little body inevitably led me to think about the current state of affairs with my reproductive health.

I had not shared my situation with this group of friends – the really tough stuff I tend to keep to myself, a few close people or blog about. Last night while holding Ben, I shared with Val, the mother of two grown children. When I shared that Kim, my friend and boss suggested I consider having a baby and then having the surgery, she thought it was a good idea.

Jax’ Aunt Lori semi-joked that Jax’ dad and I get together for one more baby so Jax could have a brother or sister and we had done such a good job with him. She did say how she always assumed I would get married and have more children.

Well, so had I, for as long as I can remember, but it hasn’t worked out that way.

The thing is, I have never considered having a baby to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Jax mom. Since I was a little girl, I imagined myself and as married, a professional and a mom of about 3 children. I always said I wanted to have my children young so I could be active with them like my parents were with my sister and me.

Our parish priest often says if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.

Up until the past couple of weeks I have been praying and exploring what exactly God’s plan for me, and for Jax, is. Why did He bless me with him?
When I was first pregnant, I thought He finally “got” me for those times I knelt in church and prayed, “If I’m not pregnant, I will never have sex again.” It was a lie. And I did. Well, until the last couple of years.

But since my endo diagnosis, I have been thinking that perhaps God sent me Jackson, because he also knew I would end up with this choice. And He knew I wanted to be a mom, and at least he was giving me part of my plan.

Or maybe He has great things planned for Jackson. And maybe me. Jackson is a blessing. I am so very grateful for him and since the doc truly outlined my options, I have needed to snuggle him and feel him close to me. He is my baby and most likely my only baby.

But this morning, cleaning the kitchen, loading the sippee cups and Lightning McQueen silverware into the dishwasher; maneuvering around the many pieces of baby gifts lying around the house for the oh so many babies that have just been born or are about to; having had Jackson tell me to take the baby swing down from the front porch because he is too big for it, I started pacing my galley kitchen. And then I started sobbing, and I have not stopped.

I still want my dream. I still want a family. One with a loving husband to put his arm around me and let me sob into his chest. To tell me it will be okay and that we can have another child if I can stand the pain until then. But that it is okay if I can’t. To help share in the little stories and observations of my little man (or little girl) so my colleagues and friends don’t roll their eyes with ANOTHER Jackson story. To fetch the juice, breakfast, start the movie, and help find where the number 2 goes in the puzzle when mommy hurts too much to get out of bed.

But it does not seem that that is going to happen. Or it could. Endo is like a smoldering fire that sometimes flares up and when it does, the pain is excruciating. And I am the only one who can put out that fire for good. But ending one misery is making the decision to accept another – the end of my little girl dream. Or maybe the pills will work until the natural end of it all.

Or maybe it is accepting the plan God has laid out for me, for Jackson.

Or maybe that special guy is out there and will appear in the next few months, sweep me off my feet and make it all work.

But I cannot keep that option out there in front. It will make me crazy. It has in the past. AND I have Jackson to look out for too.

I guess I have to say, I don’t want any more suggestions to have a baby just because soon I will not be able to (if I even still can). I know I need to pray and hope to realize God’s plan for us. To be comforted in what I have, and to try to be the best mom to Jax that I can.

I have been given great gifts. I have been blessed far more than many around me. I need to hold and love those gifts, and share them when I can. And hopefully I will soon be able to rock myself to sleep and feel comfort.